Just Friends

Questions

How do you know when someone is interested in you as more than a friend? How do you advance a relationship without ruining the possibility of friendship? Can you be purely friends with an ex or will old feelings and hurts linger? Can men and women just be friends? Why all the questions?

I guess the reason for all the questions is three-fold.

#1 New Male Friend

My new friend is someone I met through an online dating site. From what I can see we are "just friends." I think the possibility for more to develop is lingering in the background. I am by no means about to push this issue. I am enjoying a new friend without all the complications of a relationship. And then there is the wall...

I think the problem I am having is that I like to categorize. I want to know what category to put him in. Is he a potential partner or a friend? I also want to know what category he has slotted me into. I know, I know, I shouldn't categorize...I should just enjoy the company. But remember I am an over-analyzer.

#2 The Most Recent Ex

I am still plagued by thoughts of him. I still want to know what he is doing. Does he think of me? Will we ever be able to be friends? Was he really serious when he said that he still wanted to be my friend? Or was it all lies? Do I honestly believe that I could be friends with someone who ripped my heart out and stomped on it?

I am not one who forgets easily. Hurt me and I will never forget. I see this as being a major barrier in the two of us being friends. Oh and let's not forget the fact that, even though I hate admitting this, I still have feelings for him. Sometimes I wish I could rewind and divert the start of the relationship to that path labeled "just friends."

#3 The Other Ex

(Yes, I know you are reading this and I also know that we have talked about this in the past.)

The Other Ex and are friends. At least we are trying to be friends. We mainly maintain our friendship through MSN and email. I prefer it that way.

There is something about being in The Other Ex's presence that unnerves me. It could be that I still feel a bit of guilt over ending our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Yes, I felt guilty. I cared and still care about The Other Ex. It hurt me to see someone hurt because of my actions. Or it could be the attraction and chemistry that still lingers. We didn't break up because we didn't get along....it was more about circumstances. Or maybe it is because he was almost over that wall and being in his presence reminds me of that.

My difficulty with our friendship leads me to believe that The Most Recent Ex and I will not be friends. The Other Ex and I had more of an amicable parting. He did not hurt me. He did not make a mess of my heart. If it is difficult to be in The Other Ex's presence, I imagine that being in the same room as The Most Recent Ex would make my skin crawl.

Conclusion - Can men and women be "just friends"?

I do believe that men and women can be friends. One of my best friends is male...granted I had feelings for him when I first met him but that is another story. I think that the complication of the ex-factor can really test the ability for men and women to be friends. I experience this on a daily basis.

But on the other hand, I do think that at one time or another most people feel some sort of attraction to there friends of the opposite sex. I have experienced this more than once. Hell, my past is littered with examples of this.

So what is my conclusion? I honestly have to say that I do not have one. I think that this is a question that will remain debated till the end of time.

j.

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Walls


There is a wall that I have created around me. In fact there is more than one wall. There is the initial wall that is not so high and is not much of a feet to vault over. Then after the initial wall the path that a relationship takes determines the height and strength of the ensuing wall.

I am hesitant to create an opening in the wall to let individuals through. I do this out of self preservation (we all do, some more so than others). My most recent relationship was a very good example of this. I was at a point where I was willing to let someone in...to let them view the inner sanctum. I let them in and they ended up breaking stuff and swiftly exiting. So after that episode the wall was repaired and reinforced. It is now higher, stronger, and virtually impenetrable.

Talk and thoughts of walls reminds me of the Utopian Literature class I took in university. One of the books on the reading list was Ursala Le Quin's The Dispossed. One of the themes of the book is centered around walls. Of course the economic and political walls built up in the novel are slightly more complicated than my wall.

Like motivations, I am fascinated by walls. Built up to protect, built to hide behind, built up little by little over the years.... Will there come a day that I won't need or want that wall?

j.

"Like all walls it was ambiguous, two-faced. What was inside it and what was outside it depended upon which side of it you were on.'' - Ursala Le Quin, The Dispossed


Image taken from: http://gregrob.ca/TLR/brick_wall.html

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Motivations

Evaluate, evaluate, evaluate. I have been consumed by evaluation, assessment, and dissection. I have questioned every aspect of my life over the past month. I have taken each piece and carefully placed it under the microscope. Then I took a bunch of pieces, mushed them together, placed them in my hands and carefully turned them over and over scrutinizing every little detail. And after considerable review I start the process all over again.

I am a self-declared over-analyzer. I have always had an interest in motivations, especially those that are hidden beneath the surface and are not always apparent to myself or whoever it is I happen to be dissecting. Why? Why did he/she choose that particular phrase or word? What was the tone of voice they used? How did they hold their body? Was that a flash of deception in their eyes? I am often more intrigued by what someone did not say as opposed to the words tumbling out of their mouth. I have realized that there are vast numbers of people in this world that have no concept of non-verbal communication. There are those that are incredibly oblivious to the unspoken signals of not only of others but of themselves.

I have a friend who once commented that we make an excellent pair. She is the politician and I am the campaign manager. She flits about the room shaking hands and kissing babies while I lurk in the shadows analyzing people's reactions and plotting the next move. Do not misunderstand me, I am more than capable of being social and in the spotlight. In fact to be a good campaign manager one must now how to work the room. However, in contrast to the politician, the campaign manager must be unobtrusive and less flashy.

A product of my obsession with the observation of others that I am exceedingly aware of my own words, actions, decisions, and motivations. I am very deliberate with the words that I choose, the way I stand, the image that I project. I do not want to be misunderstood and sometimes (not always) I do not want my motivations to be apparent. Yes, I can be secretive with my emotions...but I prefer it that way.

To be continued....well maybe...

j.

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Some Good News

Nothing is official and I will not be at complete ease until the appointment letter is in my hands but... It looks as if I get to stay in my current position. It means having to work with the my predecessor for 2 months, which could be stressful but on the bright side I get to keep my wage and my office!

Finally something good...

j.

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Faking It

I have been faking it. You know putting on that smile so everyone think I am ok. I save the tears for late at night. I keep my insecurities to myself. I tell myself "You must be strong." For the most part I do a pretty good job. Faking is easier than trying to explain why I am not the happy-go-lucky girl that they all know.

j.

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Postsecret

One of my favorite sites is Postsecret. This week there were two "secrets" that struck a cord.
































I don't think I need to explain...

j.

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Tears
















Image taken from http://www.coolweblog.com/xueguohailun/.

j.

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Not Ready To Back Down

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

-Dixie Chicks

j.

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Kind Words

A friend said to me last night:

"He wasn't good enough for you. Ya, he was ok looking and nice but you are so much better than that. You are the total package. You will meet someone who is your equal and it will just fit. You will have no doubts and you won't justify anything about him or the relationship."

Then I cried. Kind words usually do that to me...

j.

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One That Got Away...

I am noticing a pattern. Every time I exit a relationship I go back over the guys from my past and evaluate them. My evaluation usually takes the form of reliving the good and not so good aspects of the relationship. I often find myself thinking about what could have been. This time I have been thinking about a guy from last summer.

D and I never had a relationship, unless one weekend counts. I met him through friends. In fact we had met prior to the weekend in question. But at that time I was not in a place where I saw him as more than just one of the crowd. He was in town for a close friends wedding. On the Tuesday night prior to the wedding a bunch of us gathered for drinks and a few games of pool. When I saw him walk into the venue with his close friend R my interest was peeked. Ever have those moments when you look at someone and your eyes lock and the sparks fly? I had one of those moments that night.

I had only a few opportunities to converse with D that night as there was quite a large crowd. I ended up ducking out early as I had to work the next day and was attempting to be responsible for once in my life. The next day I emailed my best friend from work to ask her if D had always been that good looking or have I had my head up my ass. She replied with a definite head up your ass.

So on the Thursday night a bunch of us decided to go out to a local bar. It was a special night cause so many of out friends were all in the same place. We drank, danced, and laughed. D was there and we flirted a bit but did not spend a significant amount of time together. D's sister was also there and we hit it off pretty quickly. At the end of the night she said that I should come to the wedding with her as her boyfriend had to be at his sister's graduation. I laughed and told her to give me a call. Shortly after she asked about this, D cornered me. He slyly said, "So, is it to late to ask someone to escort you to a wedding on Saturday?" I just looked at him. I did manage to say, "I don't think so.'' He got my number and said he would call Friday night to make plans. When we parted ways that night I was still in shock that he asked me to be his date.

He did call and I did go to the wedding. I had a lot of fun that night and I go to know D a lot better. I felt that there was a real connection between us. But alas, it wasn't to be. He lives in Alberta. My best friend seems to think that we would have lasted longer if he lived closer. I know that he has been in the city since then but has never called. Nor have I called him. I think he is definitely one that got away....

j.

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Doubt

I thought I was ok....back on track. I realized tonight that while I have made progress I am no where near being balanced again.

I am doubting myself....every bit of myself. My looks, my read on people, my career...everything. I find this strange cause I am normally very self assured. I hate it!

I know it will all return to normal. And I know that I shouldn't be insecure and doubtful of myself.....it is just hard when so many things seem to go awry.

(Sigh) I'll be fine. I just need time.

j.

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