more than intermittent

I had a coffee date this past Saturday. I was quite nervous and hesitant. And quite frankly, I almost never went. But in the end I was glad that I did...

No it was not love at first sight. Nor were there major sparks flying. But I had one of the best conversations I have ever had on a first date....in fact on any date. I am not sure where it will lead. I like to think that I have made a new friend. I am not ready for a new relationship....but I think that I am ready for new friends. In fact, if I never see the guy again I will still be positive about the experience. Yes, it the conversation was that refreshing.

Is this a turning point for me? Maybe. I am starting to feel a bit better about it all. I am still very cautious. But at least I agreed to this date instead of turning it down or stalling! I guess we will have to wait and see if this is progress...

j.

I hate to beat a dead horse but....I am still messed up over being dumped. It doesn't help that I still have contact with him and I am trying to be his friend. I have realized that this is more about me hanging on to him rather than remaining purely friends. Our last conversation was pretty normal except for this bit:

Him: Boyfriend?
Me: No.
Him: Been on any dates?
Me: Not really.
Him: Why not? You are a nice girl.
Me: Ya, well...
Him: Any guy would be lucky to have you.

Barf. Well if that was the case why did you dump me? I don't think I want my ex back...well ok I admit it I want him to ask me back. But I am not sure I would go back. Part of me wants him to beg and plead just so I can say no, you had your chance buddy. Then maybe just maybe he would understand what it feels like. Am I a vindictive evil bitch? In this case yes.

I really hate the fact that I am so stuck on this. I am a strong, independent, intelligent woman. I do not need a man to validate me. I should not let him get to me. In fact at this point I realize that it is not so much about him as it is about me. You can only take so much hurt....there comes a point when you shut down, turn off, erect walls to stop the hurt. I want to be open...but being open, in my experience, only leads to hurt.

I think that I have sufficiently beat that dead horse...well at least for today, tomorrow there will probably be more of the same.

j.

I have realized that my parents are getting old. I never noticed their odd little habits when they lived in the same city. This is probably because I saw them on a weekly basis and was immune to their idiosyncrasies. They are forgetful. I am starting to hear the same stories and news bytes over and over. My mother is constantly looking for her glasses/keys/cell phone. It is so bad that she forgets the safe place that she stashes things. My father is constantly saying how he doesn't want to be a bother but could you.....? A short trip of 2 hours requires at least 2 bathroom stops. They are old. Period. The end. But you know despite how frustrating they can be I still love them and miss them a ton.

j.

Singing: On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the road again...

Yay! Trip is a go!

The folks will be back in their place tonight.

I am happy again!

j.

7:15 am phone rings, I sit up with a start. No one phones me this early, and if they do it I know about it in advance. This can only mean one thing....There has been an accident/death/traumatic life altering experience. My heart is beating frantically as I pick up the phone and answer with a shaky hello. It is my Dad. This is a small relief because given his health problems he is usually the first one I worry about. He starts the conversation with:

"We were burned out of the building last night."

No Good Morning, sorry to wake you, just straight to the point. But that is my father's style at times. And I wonder why I am a drama queen... My imagination kicks into overdrive and I can see my parents standing amoungst the rubble with ash smeared on their face and nothing but ratty pj's on their backs. Bleak. Dad assured me that they were fine. They spent the night in a hotel and their suite was untouched. The only concern was smoke damage.

Untouched. Unharmed. Good. Wait a minute....what does this mean for the trip I have planned to see them? They might not be back into their suite till...till...till who knows when. Not a good way to start the day. I have been looking forward to this trip. An escape to new surroundings, quality time with the folks, and shopping opportunities! With the threat of cancellation on the horizon I had to stop and think about what I would do with my five day weekend. A trip to a different locale? Doubtful. An extended weekend bumming around home? Boring.

To be continued....(ie: I need to make a phone call to check the trip status!)

j.

There are moments when I think...no that I know....that I am fooling myself. I keep thinking that I am better. That I have moved on. But there is part of me that is holding on what could have been. Hoping that it will reverse itself. Hoping that it will go back to the way it was. Rationally, logically, I know that it won't and can't go back to what it was. Past the point of rescue. If I know this why does my heart want to believe otherwise?

My logic is always at battle with my emotions. Most of the time the logic wins out and I suppress the urge to do to make those crazy late night phone calls or going running after what my heart wants. However, there are times when I want to toss that logic in the trash and run with my emotions. But would that get me any further? Probably not.

The key, as with everything in life, is balance. Feel but don't let it rule you. Rationalize but don't fear. It doesn't have to be a battle, you just need to find a happy medium.

j.

Shitty morning. Grrrr.

Sushi for lunch. Yay.

j.

I was having a conversation with two of my close friends about my new male friend. The conversation was an attempt at figuring out if said friend is interested in me as more than a friend. I am still confused about this and just trying to enjoy his company and see where it leads. During the conversation my one friend asked if he was ''boyfriend material.'' I answered with a confident I think so.

Afterwards, I seriously thought about her question. Is he truly boyfriend material? He owns his own place, has a decent job, works hard, calls when he says he is going to, is funny, has his own interests, is close with his family, is nice-looking and on and on. So he definitely gets a high score in the realm of boyfriend potential. However, I am just not sure if he would be a good boyfriend for me.

This leads me to the question of what characteristics would make a good boyfriend for me? Of course there is the usual list of intelligence, ambition, sense of humour, and so on but I have realized that there are two characteristics that are key for me. They are:

1) I need someone who is as strong and independent as me. I need an equal. Someone to stand beside me, not in front of or behind me. I have realized that being a couple is not being one single entity but being to individuals that share a common bond. Or at the very least that is what I see a couple being...

2) Stability. Financially and emotionally. I am capable of taking care of myself and I expect the same in a partner. I want someone who is going to be able to contribute to the life we build together. I do not want to play the role of counselor or loans officer.

j.

Too funny!

I had a brief conversation with my recent ex the other night. He initiated the conversation over MSN. He asked how I was doing. I said fine. Then he proceeds to tell me that he thought about calling me last week. And the conversation that ensued was not pretty. In fact it upset me. At one point, he admitted that he still wonders if he made the right decision. That is NOT something I want or need to hear.

The conversation kick started the brain and the analyzing began. First and most obvious question.....Would I take him back? The answer would have been a fast yes about 3 weeks ago. Now I am not so sure. Can I take someone back who hurt me? Who deserted me at one of the most trying times in my life? Would I ever trust him with my heart again? Would I constantly be waiting for him to leave again?

Would I? I don't know because he hasn't asked and I can't keep waiting....

j.

I had a conversation with a friend today. After the conversation I realized that I may have been lecturing and in some instances judging. This is not something that I am fond of doing. However, I do realize that I have a tendency to do this. For the most part though, I keep my opinions to myself. I will offer advice if solicited but the postscript of that advice always includes a statement that encourages people to make their own decisions and that no matter what decision they make I will support.

I have one friend who is dating a guy who I think is bad news. He has, in the past, been abusive. Physically abusive. I have NO tolerance for this. They had broken up for a bit but they are back together again. I heard the news through another friend. I never said anything because I felt it was not my place. I ran into my friend one Saturday afternoon and she was with him. It was awkward. I could feel that she did not want me to see them together. I knew that she was thinking that I was judging and would think less of her. So, on a fairly recent girl's night out I tried to remedy the situation. When I had a minute alone with her I pounced...

"So when are you going to admit to us that you are seeing him again?''

"Uhhhh....um..." she stammered avoiding all eye contact.

"Look, I have my opinions about him and I may not agree with it but you are my friend. Being your friend means that I will stand by you no matter what decision you make. If you are happy I am happy. You don't have to hide from me."

"Thanks, Jen. No one has ever said it that to me."

While I occasionally step up on my soapbox, I do try my hardest not to judge others for their opinions and choices. I may not agree but if you are important to me I will not let that destroy the friendship. I just hope that my friends and family realize this...

j.

The Interview went well. I feel like I gave the right answers. As it was just a telephone interview it was really hard to gauge the reaction of the interview panel. They told me that they will call in about a week to let me know the results. Who knows...

j.

Back in March, when there was an upheaval at work, I applied for a few jobs off-campus. I was unsure if I would be staying in my current position and I was not fond of the prospect of returning to my old position. I left that job for a reason why would I want to return? So I started spreading my resume around. In the weeks that followed I had no response. As you know, everything sorted itself out and I never gave the positions I applied for a second thought. So you can imagine my surprise when I received a phone call from a prominent University last week requesting an interview. Of course, I said yes.

At this point I am pretty sure that I will not accept the position if they offer it to me. Why interview for it then you ask? For a few reasons:

(1) I have always been curious what an interview with this university is like.
(2) I am also curious what an interview for this type of position consists of.
(3) If I said no, I would have spent my time wondering ''what if?''
(4) It never hurts to keep on top of your interview skills.

If they do offer the position to me I will have some big decisions to make. Right now the decision is centered around salary. Why would I leave my current position for a job that only pays a few dollars more than I make right now? As you may or may not know, there is only one university in the city I currently live in. Therefore, you may have already concluded that accepting this position would mean a move. At this point it would only be a good move if my salary would increase significantly. Which is possible if they brought me in at the mid-point and not the starting level. But still...

Moving to a new place does not scare me. In fact I know people where said university is located so I would still have a social network already established. But do I really want to leave? for the most part I enjoy my life in Regina. Yes, there have been and always will be bumps in the road. On the flip side, moving gives me a clean slate. Given all the upheaval in my life the past few months maybe a move wouldn't be such a bad idea.

I suppose that this decision does not need to be made just yet. They have to offer me the job first...

j.

I have to work with the girl who I replaced for 2 months. I do not like this woman. She is good at what she does but given all the stress that she put me through I am not the least bit inclined to like her. I will admit that it is nice to have her here because we will get moving on some projects that would have sat on the shelf collecting dust. I will be friendly on a professional level but that is where I draw the line. The urge to vomit when I see her greatly inhibits the possibility of friendship. Besides, I am not required to be her friend.

j.