Big Jerk

"I am a big jerk."

"What?"

"You heard me...I am a big jerk."

"Why would you say that?"

"It is what I have been told in the past."

I just stared at him, my mouth agape. I was dumbfounded.

"Why are you staring at me?"

I turned back to the TV and said "Don't believe everything that you hear."

j.

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Something in the Water

I have been playing the role of slacker today. I think that they put something in the water on Fridays that enhances the slacking gene that is inherent in all of us. There is work to be done and I will be busting my ass next week as I go on holidays the week after. But still I have managed to do the minimum required today and spent most of the day catching up on some reading and even delving into archives. Oh and let's not forget the hour or so that I spent figuring out the plan for the weekend.

This slacking thing is not as easy at it appears. I mean I still have an hour and a half to kill before I can leave the office. I have a few tasks that have to be completed before I leave today...that will take up about 15mins. Completion of the post should kill another 30 mins, 45 if I decide to be picky. So that is an hour. 30 mins left...what will I do? Clean my desk off? That will take all of 3 mins as slacking does not produce a messy desk. Chat with a co-worker? The place is a ghost town today! Good luck trying to find someone to engage in pointless small talk with. Make a to do list for Monday? That resembles work a bit too much.....Looks like I will be digging deeper into your archives people.

******

I know you are all dying to know how I have been doing with the whole I am not going to think about this new relationship too much thing. On a scale of 1 to 10 I have been about a 7. Before you dole out the congratulations you should know that 1=no thinking at all and 10=thinking every waking minute.

I am trying! Honest. In my personal opinion I believe that this is a giant step for me. I normally sit at about a 9. Yes, I am a freak....we established that a few posts back.

*******
I just had a really good idea on how to end this post. But I lost it somewhere between the words freak and posts. Serves me right for trying to be clever.

j.

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I

I AM passionate
I WANT to be happy, blissfully happy
I WISH that I didn't think so much
I HATE the self-doubt that I carry around
I MISS Japan, but I am glad I came home
I FEAR that I will be hurt again
I HEAR them say I am beautiful but I don't believe it
I WONDER about people's motivations all the time
I REGRET not telling him* how I really felt
I AM NOT going to be single forever
I DANCE at least once a day
I SING even if I don't know all the words
I CRY alot, but rarely in public
I AM NOT ALWAYS as strong as I appear
I WRITE in order to achieve clarity
I CONFUSE myself
I NEED to learn how to trust
I SHOULD apply for Grad School
I START running if you get to close
I FINISH when I am ready

Found this idea at http://smashthemachine.blogspot.com/

* him is no one in particular....I wish I had told many of the ''hims'' in my life how I really felt instead of hiding behind my composure.

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How about Something Different?

Today while mulling over the topic of my next post, I made a decision. I am not going to whine about, complain about, worry about, analyze or dissect anything related to boys and especially anything to do with the New Guy. Easier said than done...I mean what else is there to write about? The alternatives were:

1. Work - BOOORRRIINNGG. I am sure the last thing that my loyal readers (all 3 or so of you!) wants to hear about is how I spent most of the day staring at my computer trying to figure out why Microsoft word not let me fill one block with 10% grey. It is not always that exciting to be a Manager.

2. The Gym - It is a struggle for me to get there every day. I hate it but I know I have to do it, it is part of my daily routine now. Therefore, I don't want to spend any extra time thinking about it.

3. Books - Ok, let's face it to write a book review is like work. I am not feeling that ambitious today.

4. Movies - See Books.

5. The brief chat with my Ex - That would be breaking the first rule as it involves boys and relationships!

And that is where I faltered....was that really all I could come up with? I really need to find some new interests other than boys. How old am I? Sometimes I feel like I am a 15-year old disguised as a 20 something. Tomorrow, we shall return to our regularly scheduled programming...

j.

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Neurotic Freak

I really need to get a grip. I spend way too much time worrying about this developing relationship. Stupid questions run through my head at lightning speed...
  • Does he like me? (Well duh! He calls and asks you to do things.)
  • Is today going to be the day he doesn't call? (see above)
  • Is he using me? (Doubtful, he has been a perfect gentleman)
  • Am I repulsive to him? (Sometimes being a perfect gentleman can screw with a gal's mind....or maybe this is what it is like to date a nice guy.)
  • Is he still looking? (Maybe, but who cares? Its not like I have completely stopped looking, ok I pretty much have but...oh crap there I go again with the excuses.)
  • Am I his girlfriend? Is he my boyfriend? (Do we really need titles?)
  • And on and on....

Am I freak? Yes. Am I neurotic? Yes. No wonder none of my relationships work out. I need to chill out. Stop jumping in and expecting too much too fast.

Oh and the best bit about all of this? I am not sure that he is 100% right for me. I know, I should be committed.

j.

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Old Habits Are Hard To Break

Doubt. Plagued by doubt. Will there ever be a time that I trust myself completely? A time when I can sit back and stop worrying about the next step? I have been trying. Trying to break the cycle. Trying to relax and let it progress naturally. Keep it casual and not jump in too fast. I am notorious for doing that.

He is great. Funny. Cute. Caring. He doesn't let me act the martyr. He has scolded me for apologizing too much. I tend to take the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes and I can see him lifting that weight....or at least making an attempt.

And that doubt I spoke of earlier? It is unfounded. But of course it is still there. I keep thinking that he is going to drop me, that he really isn't interested. But he still calls. He makes the effort. I need to stop thinking negatively. Enjoy it for what it is and stop second guessing.

Sigh.

I am my own worst enemy.

j.

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Out of the Blue

Last night, out of the blue I had a late night phone call from a boy that I saw very very briefly last year. It was one of those situations that was all about being friends with benefits. It was very casual and I knew that it wasn't going anywhere. He was younger than me, not established, and it just wasn't there. I don't think I need to explain the situation. We have all been there at one point or another.

So when I started dating V last fall and this fellow called after pulling a disappearing act, I shot him down. And now that I am seeing someone new he calls again. Do guys have a sixth sense as to when a girl is taken? Why don't these people call when I am single? Granted, I was relieved to be able to tell him that I am seeing someone as I don't want to start up with him. Been there done that. There was a reason that it never went farther than it did.

I must admit that it was flattering to have a guy think of me, call me, and want to get together after all that time. I also find it interesting that he would call after so much time has passed. Personally, I would be hard pressed to call a guy like that from my past. I just don't do that. But I suppose some people deal with loneliness in different ways. Part of me wants to believe that he is kicking himself in the ass for the way that things progressed between us. I think a part of all us wants to be wanted even by those that we don't want.

j.

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Tranquility


Jan Lake Sunset 2006, originally uploaded by jamhall.

I'd rather be on the lake, watching the sun sink into the trees, anticipating the nibble of a fish on my line, and letting my worries slip away.

It feels like months, maybe even years, have passed since I took this photo. It is amazing how fast the calm I feel from my break dissipates.

j.

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Foreign Languages

As I sit at my desk staring at the computer screen I realize that perhaps the reason for my frustration is due to the fact that I am working with not one but two languages that are somewhat foreign to me.

My coding skills are not strong. I muddle my way through though. Add French to the mix and my brain starts to hurt. Now I know why I have been avoiding this pile of work.

j.

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Momentum

On Friday I went home with no plans for the weekend. Nothing. Zero. Not even a plan for a coffee or drink with friends. This is an oddity for me. I usually have something going on during the weekend, especially in the summer. Normally, I would be somewhat thrilled about the empty days that were ahead of me.....I like to have time to sit back, relax, and do things at my pace. I do it to myself I suppose. I am a planner. A time-conscious planner at that. Sometimes I feel restricted by my acute sense of time. Rushing here and there always worried if I will have time for this activity or chore till it is time to move on to the next scheduled event. Yes, I know it is my choice to be this way but sometimes I have to rebel against it. But I digress...

So, as I drove home from work on Friday I was starting to dread all that free time ahead of me. These days I have to keep busy. More accurately, I prefer to keep busy. I need distractions to pull me up. Distractions stop me from thinking and moping. No distractions equals moody self-absorbed Jen. Well these days anyway...

I knew that I was going to have to combat this. I needed to be proactive. What was the first tactic I used? The gym. It lifted my spirits slightly. I spent over 2 hours there which is unusual for me. 1.5 is usually my limit.

Back at home I showered and put on my comfy clothes and settled in for the night. I knew that it was going to be a long one. Fridays are always bad for thinking, hence the reason that I prefer to be busy. I decided a quick foray into the world of online dating might be in order. To my surprise I ended up chatting with a nice guy. After a decent conversation online, we ended up chatting on the phone for over 2 hours. He asked me out for the next day. Maybe I should stay home on Friday nights more often! Not only did I fill up Friday night but I managed to make plans for Saturday. A win-win situation for me!

And the Saturday date....it was really good. The conversation flowed. The silences were not awkward. It was just plain good. For a change I went into the date without expectations. I was not expecting major fireworks, if anything I was expecting it to be mediocre at best. So when it was really good I was pleasantly surprised. In fact the Saturday date lead to another phone conversation on Sunday evening, culminating in a short walk, ice cream, and a movie.

I am not sure where this one will lead. I am scared shitless about getting hurt again. Therefore, I am playing it very cautious. This caution manifests itself as shyness most of the time. I just hope that my caution/shyness does not impede the momentum. Cause let's face it, it is pretty good so far.

j.

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Haunting

Every year I go up north with my family to enjoy the great outdoors. This camping/fishing trip has been occuring for the past 25 years.

This year I again realized how haunting the call of a loon is. It bounces off the water, echos through the trees, and sends shivers up my spine. It is somewhat lonely and desolate. That wail seems to be reaching out to me...they are vocalizing the feeling I have deep inside. Comforting but unsettling all at the same time.

Every year that I go north I think that it will be the last time that I make the trip alone. I make a promise to myself every year that I will not make the trip alone the next year. And every year I seem to break that promise to myself. This trip something that I want to share. I want to have someone wrap there arms around me as we watch the sunset. And as the loon crys out I have someone to comfort me, remind me that I am not alone.

j.

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A Rebuttal of Sorts

Yes, I agree that our relationship is not over and that it is frustrated. It brings me back to that question of: can men and women that have been a couple be friends? In my experience this is an amazing feat to accomplish.

Throughout University and even for a few years after I was haunted by an ex. He was the first serious relationship that I ever had. He will always have a special place in my heart. But we talked frequently under the guise of being friends. We weren't friends. We both harboured feelings for the other. We usually called each other when we were lonely and/or experiencing relationship problems.

I am currently dealing with the same sort of situation with the most recent ex. He wants to be friends. I am having a hard time with it. I have recently decided that he is manipulating me.....or more accurately I am letting him manipulate me. I am letting him get to me. In order to get back on my feet from this break-up I need to cut all ties. There is no way that we can be friends. He hurt me. Bad. I do not trust him. How do you have a friendship without trust?

Granted both of these situations are very different from ours. But I hope they explain why I am not 100% comfortable around you. Yes, you have my past relationships standing in the way of our friendship. I apologize but that is the way it is. I wish it could be different.

I do try and someday maybe it will be different. Maybe I will get past all the hang ups and we can be friends outside the realm of the internet.

j.

p.s. No, you don't have to run the other way if you see me coming. Don't be silly.

p.p.s Yes, you do drive me crazy! :P

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Hiatus

I have been away enjoying the sunshine. I promise that a proper post is on its way...

j.

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