M - The Middle

My relationship with M was far from perfect. Even in the beginning it was not idyllic. There were warning signs and I questioned it constantly. But, at that point in my life I needed a constant. I went through severe reverse culture shock. He was the one person who encouraged me to talk about Japan. His eyes didn't glaze over as soon as I said "In Japan..."

For the remainder of the summer of 2002 we spent as much time together as humanly possible. He worked nights and I wasn't working so we had this weird schedule. I remember how we used to stay up really late watching crappy TV and giggling over the infomercials. He schooled me on Black Sabbath, tattoos, and comic books. And he was schooled on Japan. It was at the forefront of my thoughts and he tolerated my ramblings.

September 2002 rolled into view and M was slated to start university. I was proud and excited for him. I knew he was intelligent and I felt that a degree would take him places. We had also daydreamed about traveling together. Moving from country to country. Teaching English. Soaking up culture. He had a direction. A goal on the horizon.

I, on the other hand, struggled with not having a direction. It was getting harder and harder to drag myself out of bed every morning to face nothing. For 2 years I would wake to tackle a new adventure every day. I needed a purpose. I needed a job. I had been applying for anything and everything. I finally got lucky and in October I landed a job in the Admissions Office at the University. I could not have asked for a better job. My life was on track. I had a job. I bought a car. I moved to my own place. And I had M.

M struggled through his first year of university. I wanted to help but knew he had to do it on his own. I wanted him to succeed. But after the school year wrapped up he decided not to continue. I was disappointed. But I also know that university is not for everyone. He picked up more hours at the place he was working. He worked nights...weekend nights mainly. Needless to say that was difficult on our relationship because I had weekends off. My friends nicknamed him the Mystery Boyfriend because they never saw him. Even after he got a Monday to Friday job my friends or family rarely saw him.

I vividly remember sitting on his bed. He was complaining about having to go to my cousin's wedding. He was grumbling, barely talking to me. I broke down. I started crying. He just looked at me.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Can't you just do this one thing for me?" I blubbered.

"What?"

"I mean...umm...is well I know you don't like these family functions that much. I don't ask for much. This is important to me and I just wish you wouldn't make me feel like I am totally coercing you to go..."

And that launched us into a whole discussion about how he doesn't make connections with people. I always knew he was a bit of a loner. But I also knew he loved me. So, crazy me thought that he would suck it up and put on a happy face for the event because he knew it would make me happy. It was also that night that he told that he thought there were things that I needed that he couldn't give me.

This argument tied into an arguement that we had repeatedly. He often felt that I neglected him. That I only had him around when it was convienent for me. That if I had stuff going on with friends and family that he was pushed aside. In reality this was not true. He was always invited out with my friends and to family functions. I just got to the point where I stopped asking because he always said no or found an excuse not to go. I wanted him there with me but I wasn't going to force him. It was sometimes easier just to go out with my friends alone because then I wouldn't have to babysit him.

There were other problems too. He was moody. I was getting tired of constantly having to cheer him up. And I felt like I was never allowed to have a bad day. Finances were also an issue. I made a decent wage and I am, for the most part, responsible with my money. He was jealous of this. He knew that I made more than him. If I talked about buying something as a treat for myself he would make comments like "It must be nice..." And I saw M making stupid decisions with his money. I kept my mouth shut for the most part. I just about blew a gasket when I found out he was getting a full back tattoo. It wasn't the gigantic tattoo that bothered me. It was the fact that he was constantly complaining about being in debt, having a crappy car, etc and then he goes and blows $500 on a tattoo. And that was just for the outline! The total cost would be something in the neighbourhood of $2000. Oh and after the second session all he did was complain about what a pretentious dick the tattoo artist was....wished he never did this...and about how much it cost. I felt like telling him that maybe if he had thought about it a bit more before starting this venture he wouldn't be in this predicament.

Early in November of 2002 my Mom and I were out doing some shopping. We somehow got on the topic of my relationship with M. My mom does not interfere. But she was brutally honest with me that day. She said that he was a good guy but maybe not good enough for me. She was worried about me. She saw me disappearing. I was not the Jen that I once was. She told me she saw me losing myself in him. In her opinion he was not enough for me. I needed more.

I just sat there soaking up her comments. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. I pushed the voices that were creeping up to agree with her back down to the depths. I was not ready to acknowledge that she had hit the nail on the head.

j.

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M - The Beginning

I met M through my best friend. She was friends with and pseudo-dating a guy that he worked with. It was September 15, 2001. I was home from Japan for approximately 3 weeks. I had some medical issues to attend to (ie: not even a full day at the hospital) and had somehow managed to get 3 weeks of sick leave out my employer. I really should have sent a thank you card to my doctor for that nice letter full of big scary English words that freaked out the English teachers at my school.

I remember the night relatively well considering how much I had to drink. M and I were introduced fairly early in the night. Of course he asked what I did and I had to launch into the I currently live in Japan speech. He was fascinated. He asked questions. And most importantly he was genuinely interested in my experience there. I was blown away. I was used the the perfunctory "How is Japan?" question followed by my response of "Awesome!" and followed by a change in topic.

We talked for what seemed like hours. We eventually parted ways to meet up with our respective groups of friends. But at the end of the night as I made one last drunken stumble through the bar I ran into him. We danced. He came with my friends to continue the party. We continued our conversation. I feel asleep in his arms. He drove me back to my parents the next morning. I was smitten.

During that 3 week stay I spent 3 or 4 nights with M. It may not seem like a lot but when you are only home for 3 weeks and you have not been home for over a year that is a lot of time. We talked about where it would go. I told him that I wasn't sure. Back in Japan I had recently met a lovely fellow and we were starting to date. And the distance and all that....so we decided to remain friends and keep in touch.

At the conclusion of my trip, my friend asked about M. A few tears pooled in my eyes. I told her that it is hard to be leaving when this could be the start of something really good. And she simply said "If it is meant to be it will be."

I remember sitting in the airport waiting for a connecting flight. I remember writing in my journal about how I missed him already and I hadn't even left the country. How was I going to survive in Japan? And what about the Japanese guy waiting for me to return so we could continue getting to know each other?

Back in Japan I went about my life. I had a routine. I started seriously dating R, the Japanese guy. Things were going well. But I still continued to correspond with M. (By the way, he knew about R.) I remember the flip flops my stomach would do when I saw a message from him in my inbox. And can you imagine the state of me the first time I got a hand written letter from him? He was sweet that way. He took the time to write me real letters. Not just one page either....they were always a minimum of two or three pages.

And then contract renewal time came...I had a tough choice. R and I were still seeing each other and I cared deeply for him but I just couldn't see us working. He frustrated me. The cultural differences and language barriers were beginning to become an issue. I am smart enough to realize that those issues could be worked through but because I knew that he was not "the one" that at that time I saw them as barriers. R was not holding me in Japan.

Just when I thought the decision was impossible, my good friend's brother unexpectedly died. I knew him well. It effected me in a way that I could never imagine. I went home from school early the day I found out. I cried. I wished that I could hop on a plane and be there for her. It was at that exact moment that I decided it was time for me to move home. R was not happy with my decision but he respected it.

We continued to date even though we both knew that I was leaving. Then one weekend our, well mainly my, frustrations got to be to much to bear. We broke up. Sometimes I think that he held out hope that I wouldn't leave or that I would tell him to move to Canada with me. We remained friends though. And I still correspond with him to this day.

I was going home! My brain was wild with what ifs... I spent inordinate amounts of time daydreaming about M. Was he still single? As far as I knew yes. Would he want to date me? I think so. I kept trying to tell myself to slow down. Moving back was not going to be easy. I did not need to add relationship expectations to the mix.

After a tearful goodbye, I returned to Canada. I was home less than 24 hours and I was dialing his number. I had stepped off the plane pretty much into his arms...and that was the long drawn out beginning....

j.

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The Tour

I have dated a lot in the last two years. Since M* and I parted ways in May of 2004 I have discovered the true meaning of dating. I have had one off dates, follow up dates, a week of dates, and 3-months of dating. I have dated heavy men, slim men, buff men, average men, divorced men, separated men....I have, fortunately, managed to avoid the married men. I have had a smorgasboard of dates. And not one of those dates has lead to a relationship that had any hope of lasting.

I am getting tired of the game....of the cycle....I am sick of the same questions; How old are you? What do you do? What do you do for fun? What movies do you like? What kind of music do you listen to? I feel like a broken record. Or one of those tapes played in the headsets that you get at museums. You know the ones that give you the guided tour?

This is Jen. She was established in October 1977. To your left you will see her hobbies which include reading, writing, cooking, photography, spending time with family and friends, playing softball, and camping among other things. As you can see this is a somewhat incomplete list as she is always willing to try new things.

Walk three steps and turn counterclockwise two degrees. Here you will see Jen's career. She has a stable and somewhat interesting job. However, she is not completely passionate about her current field and therefore is re-examining her options. Right next to her career sector you will find education. Jen is well educated and will probably continue to take classes well into her 80s or 90s. Her next big venture in education is the pursuit of a Master's degree. Her application is half done and she needs someone to kick her butt and tell her to finish and submit it.

Down the long dark corridor to your right you will find the ghosts of relationships past. This area is closed to visitors. Please continue on the marked path...

I am growing weary. I am on the verge of giving up. But yet, I gave The Italian a tour tonight...

Sigh. Someone hit me.

j.

*M and I were together for 2 years. Someday I will tell you the tale of our relationship.

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My Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season. I love the crisp cool air of the mornings and seeing my breath as I step out the door. The trees explode with colour. My street is lined on either side with giant elm trees. The blanket of colour always amazes me. Then as they shed their foliage it collects on the street and swirls up in the wind or as a car drives past.

Fall on the farm are some of my fondest memories. After school I would drive out to the farm, going too fast on the grid roads. Watching the dust and fallen leaves swirl behind the car. Helping mom prepare supper for the boys in the field. Driving the grain truck. Running to town in the old purple truck to pick up parts. Ah, the purple truck....the truck that I learned to drive in....on a freshly combined field.

Fall in Japan. Almost as good as fall in Saskatchewan. The fantastic reds and oranges of the leaves. Take a look at this picture....ignore the girl in the scarf..


Now close your eyes. Imagine acres of trees in varying shades of red, orange and yellow. That was fall in Japan. Oh and giant Fuji apples for next to nothing.

Autumn skies. Driving down the number one, heading west, just as the the sun is setting. Watching the combines eat up the grain in the fields. Then dusk settles in and the sky is a bazilion shades of pink and red. And if your lucky a giant orange harvest moon will make an appearance shortly after...

Yes, I love fall...

j.

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The Week in Review

Work was nuts this week. By Thursday I was fried. I almost fell asleep at my desk. The scary part is that I was pounding away on my keyboard when the incident occurred.
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Thursday, Vince and I went to a series put on by the Faculty of Arts, called Coffee House Controversies at Chapters. It consists of 20 minutes of lecture and then 20 minutes discussion. This weeks topic was Why do good people make bad decisions? Basically it was examining the art of reasoning. Vince and I both agreed that this was a topic that could have used more time than 20 minutes. Vince took issue with a reference to a study that revealed that people with depression have a more realistic view of life. I have to agree with this revelation. But Vince did raise a very valid point by saying, how does one judge what a realistic view of life is? How do you measure reality? In the end we had to agree that we would need to get our hands on the study before final judgment is made.
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On Tuesday, my dad called. I was glad to hear from him. He called to let me know they were headed up north to do some fishing. They were going to be staying at a friend's cabin. I was jealous that they were going to be enjoying one last fishing trip without me. He then said that I should drive up on Friday after work and that maybe I could get Monday off too. But I had to say no as I had to go into work on Saturday.
Needless to say I was preparing to have a pity party for myself when we got on the topic of cameras. You see I want to buy a new camera. The Canon Digital Rebel XT to be exact. My dad thinks this a great idea and even suggest that I take some photography classes. He then said what I thought he would never say in a million years. He offered me his 35mm. This my friends is an amazing camera! He has had it for years and I drool over it every time it comes out. So the next time I am out there I shall be returning with a camera. This means that I am going to have to get serious about photography!
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I am taking a Japanese class this semester. Everyone keeps asking why I am taking the class when I lived in the country for 2 years....they are implying that I should already know the language. I know a fair amount but the class pushes me to keep studying. And let's face it there are not a lot of opportunities to speak Japanese here....this forces me to use the language a minimum of three times a week.
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I finally bought The Tipping Point by Malcom Gladwell.
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On the way home from work on Saturday I stopped at the mall. I did some damage to the credit card. I cam home with a new bag, shoes and jeans. I have to say that the retail therapy felt great.
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I am helping my friend plan an 80's theme party for his girlfriend's birthday. So if you have any suggestions let me know! I especially need ideas for food and drinks.
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And that was my week...
j.

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Yellowcard

For the last two years the university that I work at has held a "WOW" event the first week of classes. Last year the headliner was Bif Naked , this year it was Yellowcard. Along with the headliner they also had a bunch of other not yet famous bands, including local talent. They also had a free bbq, activities/games, and door prizes. The whole event is held on the academic green (the large circular green space in the middle of campus).

The purpose of the event is to build a sense of community on campus and welcome the new students. They want bring students, faculty and staff together in an informal setting in hopes that they will socialize. This year they even went as far as canceling classes on the day of the event. In theory it is a good idea. However, I have a few complaints...

One...how much did it cost to book Yellowcard? You can guarantee that they weren't free or cheap. Wouldn't that money be better suited to say helping cut tuition? Ok maybe it wasn't that much...I just find it odd that the Univeristy if spending money on the concert when all I have heard from the higher ups how tight the budget is and that I shouldn't bother thinking never mind asking about upgrading one of our labs from archaic tape machines to computers. I am not saying that my department should have been given the money....I am just questioning why we needed this concert if funds are so limited.

Two...Human Resources graciously gave all staff on campus an extra hour of paid time to get out and enjoy the concert and events. Wonderful! Except that most departments are swamped at this time of year and taking an extra hour off during the day is virtually impossible. In my case it was...

Three...I was crazy busy this week. I had to deal with students, faculty and other departments. I was constantly on the phone or in meetings. If I did have a free moment I was pounding out emails and documentation on my computer. Trying to do all of this while there is pounding music (that I am unable to get out and enjoy) is slightly annoying (Ok this is more of me whining rather than a valid complaint).

And four...they cancelled classes so that students could attend this event. I can't believe that I am going to say this but I find this slightly ridiculous. We are an educational institution! Our main purpose is to educate. Students pay to study here. Maybe I am being slightly harsh and stuffy but I don't quite agree with that. Why didn't they make it an evening event?

Despite all the complaining I did and have done, I was still somewhat curious as to what Yellowcard would be live. I am not a huge fan but I enjoy a few of there songs. At least I knew who they were unlike a lot of the staff on campus. I was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't get to see them as I was going to be chained to my desk all day working. So imagine my surprise when I left work on Thursday at 4:30 that they were just taking the stage. So I did stop for a quick view...what I saw was decent. And they sounded like they did on the album/radio. I didn't stick around long as my head was pounding and the loud music was not helping.

So there you have it my very brief viewing of Yellowcard in concert...

j.

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Dear J

I still go over and over it in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Did I push to much? Did we move to fast? And then the if onlys start...if only I were thinner, if only I were prettier, if only I hadn't called that night...

I try so hard to be angry at you, to hate you. Maybe that would make it all easier...and then someone says something bad about you and what happened between us and I find myself defending you. Why? I don't know.

Why can't you just get out of my head? Out of my heart? I just want to get on with my life. I would like to have one day, or even one night that I didn't think about you. I am sick of the tears. I am sick of doubting myself, thinking that I am not good enough for anyone.

And it is stupid cause you aren't really good for me. I mean you are a nice guy and all but I have realized that you are not what I need or deserve. But despite that I can't let go.

I hate doubting myself.I hate that you did this to me. There are days when I wish I had never met you. I know we had some good times but you know what I would trade that all in just to have my confidence back and to have this hurt gone. And normally I don't regret but this time I do. I want to be the way I was before I met you. I was alone but I was happy, confident, and I felt like I held the whole world in my hands.

I hope that some day you realize that you let a good one get away...

j.

*orginally written April 17, 2006

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Lacking

I know that this space is lacking posts. Work is crazy. And to top it all off I am getting sick. I have had a headache for two days straight. When I am not working I am sleeping or trying to sleep. I am praying that it passes. I will try and update you more over the weekend.

Remind me to tell you about Yellowcard playing on campus...

j.

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This Is Not A Vacation

I was having a conversation with my best friend the other night. We were talking about work and salary. At one point she made the comment "Well, I have 2 years of work experience on you."

I stopped and said "What? How do you figure that?"

"Oh, I mean Canadian work experience."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Um, well it is experience directly related to..."

That is when I cut her off. I firmly said that my 2 years in Japan were not a vacation. The job that I had there is directly related to what I do today. I also explained that my time in Japan has been a factor in getting all the jobs that I have had since I have returned.

I was angry. Angry that she, like so many others, negated the time that I spent in Japan. I admit that while I was in Japan the job was sometimes a joke and it was like I was living in an alternate reality. However, it was still my life. It was not a 2 year holiday.

The conversation brought back a flood of memories. I remember coming home and being out of sorts. The reverse culture shock hit me like a ten pound hammer. There were days that I stayed in bed and cried. I remember laying on my bed and hearing my Dad ask my Mom "What is wrong with her? I don't understand why she is so sad." They were worried and they didn't understand what I was dealing with. No one understood.

I wanted to share my experience. I wanted to talk about all the stuff I missed. But even though people asked how it was I could see their eyes glaze over as I started to answer. So my standard answer became "It was awesome."

My time in Japan became marginalized. It was pushed to the bottom of the pile. I didn't tell people about it because I didn't want to be different. I began to view those 2 years like a vacation. Now my eyes started to glaze over when I was asked about it. And you know what? I was unhappy.

One day a switch flipped. I realized that I had to embrace the experience. People, especially myself, had to realize that it was not a vacation it was my life. I was a lot happier with this arrangement. So now when someone makes a comment like my friend did the other day I get defensive instead of just agreeing with them. Japan is a vital part of who I am and I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't lived there.

j.

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Tag...Your It!

I was tagged by Brea ...

Eight things you never knew about me:


1. I used to have an imaginary friend named Karen. She was evil. So evil that she locked me out of the house.

2. I love the sound of stuff being sucked up by the vacum.

3. When deciding what to study in university I really wanted to study theatre. But me being practical decided to go for pre-journalism instead. As it turned out I ended up with an English degree.

4. I have been in 25 airports in 8 different countries. I complain about the waits and all the formalities. But secretly, I love every minute of it. And the opportunities for people watching make all the hassle worth it!

5. I have had the nickname "Mouse" since I was about three years old. I got the name because one afternoon after my grandma had lined up fresh loaves of bread on the kitchen table to cool, I went and picked a little piece out of each loaf to nibble on. A close friend of the family proclaimed that I was just like a mouse...and the name stuck.

6. I am fascinated by the occult and I am an astrology junkie.

7. One of the biggest reasons I went to Japan was to escape and start over. I also was out to prove that my degree was somewhat useful.

8. The first tape that I ever purchased was Glass Tiger: A Thin Red Line. Just one request of you, don't forget me when I am gone...

j.

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