The Mystery of Grey Hair Solved

Thanks to Google and the Mayo Clinic for enlightening me on how hair turns grey....

Gray hair is typically a result of natural aging. Pigment in the hair shaft comes from special cells at the root (base) of the hair. These cells are genetically programmed to make a certain amount of pigment (melanin) at specific ages. At some point in the aging process, these cells make less and less pigment until the hair has very little pigment. White hair has no pigment, and gray hair has some but not as much as a red, black or brown hair.

So in other words a hair may gradually turn grey because less pigment is produced during the life of the hair, or a hair may fall out and be replaced by a considerably less pigmented hair. So technically it can happen either way it can turn grey or grow grey.

It's official I am a weirdo. I mean who spends time worrying about how hair goes grey?

j.

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The First

"You know I still think about what would have happened if we hadn't broke up..." he mused.

"We would have broke up eventually" I countered.

"What? What do you mean? We got along pretty well and were always able to talk."

"I don't deny that we got along. We work on some levels but not on others. We are just different."

"Ya, and if we had stayed together you probably never would have went to Japan. You would have ended up knocked up."

And I had to stop myself from saying that never would have happened. I know now that I would have outgrown him if we would have stayed together. Back then I didn't know that and it was devastating. It was the first hurt...back before I had built my maze of walls. He was the first to break my heart. He was the first to teach me that letting someone in is a big risk. How I was then is so different from how I am now. I opened up to him. I talked freely. I didn't hold back. Sometimes I long to have that innocence back. Erase all the heartache and hurt and start fresh. And you know what? With him I still talk freely for the most part. But he has known me for 10 years. And he knew me before the walls. I can't hide from him because he got in way back when and knows the most direct path past the barricade.

And then somehow the conversation turned to how it ended...

"You don't remember what you said to me that started it do you?"

"Something about being away too much..."

"No sir, that wasn't it."You really want to know?"

"Yes, please."

"You told me you thought I was lazy." And I stared straight ahead. I knew that he was staring at me, his mouth agape. He stumbled on his words and shook his head.

" I didn't....I...if I did I am sorry."

"You did. You thought that because I was just working for my parents that I could be doing more. You didn't realize that I was looking for other jobs and I couldn't ask my parents to just take hours away from their regular staff....they needed those people for when I went back to University in the Fall."

Silence.

"Oh and that was another thing. You told me you thought University was a waste of time. That hurt more than being called lazy."

"Jen, I am sorry. I wasn't meaning that it was a waste of time for you but for someone like me it would be a waste of time."

And then I explained why it hurt and given the context of course I took it to mean that I was wasting my time. I also told him that I have since realized that he was making excuses. I was getting to close so he had to run. That is what he does. He runs. According to him he doesn't anymore because he has a wife and a son. Bullshit. He is still trucking and is on the road 7-12 days at a time and home for 3 or 4 at the most. It is easy to see that he is still running.

And then he told me how his wife, she was the one right after me, used to tell him to go back to Jen when they would fight. But little does she know that I would never take him back. Not now, not ever. So that lead us into the conversation about why he got in touch after all these years...

"I won't take you back. You know that right?" I asked.

"Jen, that isn't why I called you. That isn't what this is about."

"It better not be. And I never thought it was."

I was a little ticked that he had assumed that I would even think that. Yes, it crossed my mind but he has a wife and a baby boy. He has made some mistakes but he isn't like that.

"Well its not. I like talking to you. You listen. You give me opinions and advice. You kick me in the ass when I need it."

Yes, I do. I am his counselor. It has been that way since we broke up 10 years ago. And I like to know that he values my opinion. Despite the past hurt I still care about him. He was my first love...he will always have a special place in my heart.

j.

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Happy Birthday To Me!

* My actual birthday is finally here. And know what? I feel like I have been hit by a truck. You know that truck filled with snot and congestion? Yep, that is the one. What a present!

* I had a job interview today. It went really well...perhaps one of the best interviews I have ever had. Cross your fingers for me.

* I noticed yesterday as I exited the elevator on my way home from work that the few people waiting to go up were so anxious to board that they were crowding the door and were stepping in before they even opened! I mean its not like the people going up have a monopoly on elevator use. I may be over recting but I just don't like being bowled over by a big sweaty guy with a hundred pounds of books. Sigh. I'm taking the stairs from now on (up and down)....it is healthier anyway.

* So, I am glad that my birthday is here and it will soon all be over. I have had way to many parties and dinners. I swear it was like the whole month was my birthday. Only one more evening of drinks and one more supper and it will all be wrapped up. Thank God! I am kind of anxious to put the whole affair behind me.

* I found a grey hair. Not just a little wispy hair at my temple. I long silver one on the side of my head. How did that thing grow so long without me noticing it? Here is a question....does the hair grow out grey? or does a hair turn grey, you know one that already exists? If you know the answer let me know...and if you don't be creative!

j.

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Surprise

This past Saturday (October 14) one of my close friends, K, decided to have a surprise party for his girlfriend's birthday. He enlisted the help of me and my best friend to help with arrangements. I of course being the organizer/planner from hell jumped all over this idea. I pulled out my notepad and made lists. List upon list. It was decided early on that there would be an 80's theme. There would be cake, food, music, and costumes. It was sure to be a hit.

As the date drew nearer I began to worry because K never mentioned the plans to me. So I called him to find out what I could do to help. I was put in charge of food. We went together to get the necessary supplies and I said that I would take care of preparation. So I spent the night before and the day of getting all of the food ready. A massive cake, dips, fruit tray for chocolate fondue, shrimp cocktail etc...I had to make sure it was impressive.

At 6:30 I headed over to their house to set everything up. I was a whirlwind of anxiety because I was concerned that I was late (I wasn't I am the time Nazi remember?). I set to work laying out the food and putting the finishing touches on the dishes. Remember presentation is one of the most important aspect of any dish. I wish I would have taken a picture before it was demolished. It was fantastic.

So the birthday girl arrives at the appointed time. She is genuinely surprised. We toss her some 80's clothing and get the party started. During this time I am questioning my friend as to how they know one of my co-workers who had showed up. I couldn't seem to get a straight answer out of anyone on this matter. Lots of Oh I have known him forevers and Oh ya, we met him awhile agos. Something wasn't quite right.

About 10 mins later K and best friend come into the living room and ask for everyone's attention. They announced that this party was also for...ME! That was when it clicked. That is why my co-worker was there. The buggers.

But...I can't help but feel a bit jipped. I mean I made all the food!! I of course pointed this fact out and all they had to say was well we tried to keep you out of it but you are such a control freak. Point taken.

j.

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Friends Do That....Right?

Remember S? Go here , here, and here for a somewhat disjointed history.

Saturday night I stumble into my bedroom to check my messages before I pass out and find the light blinking on the machine. Play. It was S. Wanting to see how I was etc. Huh, I thought to myself, haven't heard from him in awhile. In my semi-drunkenness I made a mental note to call him back on Sunday.

So Sunday evening the phone rings. I take no notice of who it is on the call display, as I was knee-deep in Japanese textbooks and flashcards. I thought it might be my mom. It wasn't, it was S. We had a nice and uneventful chat. He eventually asked what I was up to and if I wanted to go for dinner. I hesitated as I had lots of studying to get through. But in the end I agreed to a quick bite to eat so I didn't have to worry about cooking. It was a harmless dinner. We are friends. Friends do that...friends go for dinner.

At the table I nattered on about work, my class, my friends, and life in general. The conversation was decent. We caught up on each others lives. Like friends do, friends that are having dinner. And then he pointed out the eyelash on my cheek. He reached across and brushed it away. Friends do that...right? Kind of like how a friend pats your hand when reassuring you. Or how they tell you how amazing a person you are. Friends do that...right?

At the end of the meal, we were waiting for the bill and he reached across the table and said:

"I am not trying to..." he said as he picked a crumb off of my shirt in the breast region.

And me being me, I knew full well that it was a somewhat innocent move but could not resist the opportunity to tease him. So I looked up at him with a sly grin and said "Uh huh, sure you were."

Pink started at his neck and worked its way to his cheeks. Within a matter of seconds he was as red as a lobster. I sat there giggling. He was speechless. This, I believe was a first. S is the type of guy who always has a comeback. He is the joker....the smartass.

"I got you." I beamed.

"Yes, yes you did. I can feel the colour in my cheeks."

"Yup, you have been three different shades of red."

He paid. There was no question about me paying for my half. Friends do that....right? Picking up the tab is something we do for friends now and then....right?

Exiting the restaurant he put his arm around me and gave me a bit of a squeeze. He joked about making me walk home. I said it would be good for me and he laughed saying he wasn't serious. And his arm slipped off my shoulders and his hand found the small of my back and guided me to the passenger's side of the vehicle. Friends do that...right?

Sigh. No friends do not do that...

j.

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Bits and Pieces #2



*Can you miss someone you have never met?

*I attended a wedding this weekend. During the traditional bouquet toss I stood at the back on the fringe. There just for looks. I did not want those flowers. But guess what? I looked up and saw them flying throw the air towards me. Crap. The landed in my hands and I tossed them out like a hot potato. They hit a friend of mine in the chest as she, even though she has a boyfriend of two years, apparently had no use for them either. They lay on the ground between us until I finally picked them up. They are actually quite pretty.

*If and when I get married please do not allow me to bark orders at people or issue a 10 page itinerary.

*After having my parents as guests for one night and one night only I have realized that I am very accustomed to living on my own. Stay out of my space people.

*My friends call me the time Nazi. I have embraced this somewhat offensive nickname and whole-heartedly acknowledge that I am anal about being on time.

*There were a few snow flurries here this morning. Is winter that close around the corner? The sun is shining now. Got my fingers crossed it stays that way for awhile. I am not ready to say goodbye to Fall.

*I need a new job. Or at least I think I do. I have been applying to other places. Nothing that I am really excited about. Hopefully, I will stumble across a really good one soon.

*I think the answer is yes.

j.

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The Italian

Before I started The Story of M, I mentioned very briefly that I indulged The Italian, one of my online finds, in a tour. Actually he found me to be precise...

We did that careful dance of questions. What do you do? What are your hobbies? What music do you like? And so on. A very standard first chat for an online meeting. The conversation was neither stimulating nor boring. It was flat out mediocre. Not enough to get me really excited but not enough to make write him off.

I continued to talk to him over the following week. The conversations contained peaks and troughs. There were also a few warning signs that jumped out at me that I took snapshots of and filed away under for future reference. I filed things like references to his ex and her infidelity in that folder. The big red flashing warning of his jealousy was hard to miss. He questioned me on whether or not I was talking to other guys online. I was taken a back thinking that is none of his business. But I answered with a simple yes, just to gauge his reaction. He did not like that. Said he wasn't going to bother...whatever, I wasn't that taken by him anyway. But he came back.

Then came the question about sex. This is usually a topic I avoid this early on in talking to someone. But he posed the question and it was not offensive and relatively harmless.

The Italian: When was the last time you had sex?

Jen: A little over 2 months ago.

The Italian: Oh. With who?

Jen: That is really none of your business is it?

The Italian: Sorry.

Jen: And you?

The Italian: Can't say.

Jen: Oh no you don't. You have to answer that one.

The Italian: You will think I am bad.

Jen: Was it recently?

(insert big long pause here)

The Italian: Tonight.

I just sat there staring at the screen. I was shocked. Is this guy stupid? Why would he bring up this topic when he knew that it could potentially turn me off? It wasn't hard to figure out that the sex he had was with his ex. I asked thinking that he may not tell me as is his right but he did confirm my suspicion. Time to dig out that warning I filed away earlier. Apparently they are friends with benefits. Uh huh. That when one of them finds someone new that it will stop. Uh huh. Sure I believe you.

It was not the fact that he had sex that bothered me. What bothered me was that a few days earlier he pulled this jealousy act when he found out that I was talking to another guy online. A bit hypocritical don't you think? The jealousy and neediness he exhibited was a big turn off. That coupled with the ex drama vaulted him into the "Not a Chance in Hell" category. I haven't talked to him since.

The exhibit of Jen is closed for business. Tours may or may not resume at a later date.

j.

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M - The End

I arrived in London safely. Much to my surprise and relief, I navigated the tube quite aptly with all my parafinalia. The directions my friend D had given me to his place were a piece of cake. I found the key and note that left me easily. I took a quick peak around his flat and then promptly collapsed on his bed.

The next three days were a blur of famous landmarks, photographs, and subway stations. I struggled to readjust my internal clock. The first couple nights I was awake till all hours. I passed the time by checking email and if I was lucky chatting with M. Our emails and brief chats were nothing to write home about but there was lots of I miss yous and can't wait till you get homes. I missed him. As I wandered around London alone (my friends there were all working) I thought of how much he would enjoy the sights and wished he was there.

The weekend came and D and I headed to Nottingham to spend the night with C. From there we would all attend the wedding the next day. I remember the pair of them quizzing me about M. I told them about him and showed them pictures of the two of us. I think I was almost gushing.

The wedding was amazing. I got to see tons of friends that I made in Japan. We all drank too much. Said and did things that must never be talked about again. All photographic evidence is locked away. It was very reminiscent of some of parties we had in Japan. Except now it was surreal because the backdrop had changed. At the reception and dance I gushed some more about M. I talked about how great he was, how happy he made me. If I look back on it I think that I was talking him up a bit to make it appear that I was happier than I was. But that is what I see now....at that moment I thought I was happy and that he was great.

I spent the week after the wedding with C in Nottingham. It felt so good to spend time with her again. We drank lots of wine, talked shit*, giggled, and managed to fit some sightseeing in there somewhere too. Even though I was occupied with visiting and sightseeing I still thought of M often. I checked my email on a regular basis. I remember that the last email that I received from him was a little off. Something about it just didn't sit right. It said very little but seemed to be trying to tell me volumes. I pushed the feeling aside. I figured it was just weird because we had been apart for awhile.

I was sad when I had to return to London to catch my flight back to Canada. At the same time I was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed and seeing M. I stayed with D again. When I got to his place I decided that I would try to call M. I was missing him and just wanted to say hi. He was living with his mom at the time and she let me know that he wasn't home. Looking back on it, I think she sounded surprised to hear from me. I just chalked it up to her being shocked that I would call from so far away.

Back home safe and sound. I had booked the two days after I returned off work just to rest up from my trip. My mom picked me up at the airport as I arrived late and M had to work early the next day. I spent my first day at home unpacking, doing laundry, and napping. At about 2 in the afternoon I thought that it was slightly weird that I hadn't heard from M. He usually called me if he knew I was home from work...and besides I hadn't seen him in over 2 weeks! I finally heard from him around 5. He was going to come over in about an hour. I was excited to see him. Excited to give him the souvenirs I picked up for him.

He came in and set my book down on the table. I grabbed him and hung on while muttering I missed you into the folds of his hoody. I finally let go, looked up at him and said "It is good to see you."

That was when my gaze fell to the book he had put on the table. "You finished it. Its pretty good eh?"

"No, I didn't read it."

"You could have kept it till you got a chance to read it silly."

"No" he said quietly.

"Why not?"

He shuffled his feet and looked at me. I could feel my heart pounding. I knew that something was coming. "Cause, I can't see you anymore."

I felt my cheeks flush with colour. My heartbeat was erratic. I was stunned. This wasn't happening. I was only gone two weeks. I had daydreamed about us moving in together on the flight home. And all that stuff I told my friends about how great he was...

He told me he met someone while I was away. I bombarded him with questions. Do I know her? No. Are you sure you want to throw away 2 years for some girl you just met? Yes. Why? I'm sorry Jen. I never meant to hurt you. I can't be with you when I am in love with someone else. What? I really care about you but and I thought that I would grow to love you. You never loved me? I'm sorry. You have to leave. I'm sorry. GET OUT! Jen...please. GO! I can't be in the same room as you.

And I slammed the door behind him. I paced my suite. Through the kitchen, into the living room, and through to the bedroom and back again. I sat on my bed. Barely breathing between sobs. I called my best friend. I couldn't talk I was crying so hard. She managed to get it out of me and said she was on her way over. She whisked me away in her car. That is what we did when one of us was upset. We drove. In between crying fits I talked. By the time she dropped me off I was feeling calm enough to call M. I needed some clarification and answers.

I found out that he had met this girl a year previous but nothing happened. I have my doubts about that but I do know that he wasn't seeing her while we were together. You just know these things. I also found out that he was with her while I was away. He had sex with her. In my eyes he cheated on me even though he had every intention of dumping me. He didn't even have enough respect for my feelings to wait till I got home to end it with me before pursuing a new relationship. I told him how it hurt. He apologized. I asked about what he said about not loving me. Asked him why he fought so hard to keep me in November if he never really loved me. He again said that he thought he would grow to love me. The conversation ended with well that is that then and I will put your CD's in your mailbox tomorrow.

The next morning I woke to "I can't see you anymore" being played on a loop in my head. There was no stop button to push. Pure torture. Why did I go away? I started on the if onlys...if only I never took the trip, if only I were thinner, if only I was prettier, if only I had let him go in November... I was a zombie that day. Went through the motions. Wrote M final goodbye letter. Dropped letter, England souvenirs, and CD's in his mailbox. Cried. Indulged in some retail therapy. Cried. Talked to my mom. Cried. Played ball. Went for beer and pizza. Cried in restaurant bathroom. Went home. Cried.

My days went on like that. My self-esteem took a big hit. I thought I was ugly and no one would ever want me. I drank a lot that summer. I had a string of emotionless relationships. I built walls every step of the way. To this day I hate going away if I am dating someone. Scared that it will happen again. I try not to associate the breakup with the trip. It was hard at first but I am now able to look at them as two completely separate events. I also know that it would have happened eventually...but I never expected it to happen this way.

I still think of him. I wonder how he is, if the marriage survived, and if they have kids. Oh ya I forgot that bit, about 2 months after he dumped me I found out he was engaged to her. They were married in the summer of 2005 from what I hear. Surprisingly, I don't run into him....I don't even now if he is in the same city these days. Despite all the hurt, I do wish him the best. He was good to me. He messed up in the end but endings are generally messy affairs.

So there you have it...The story of M.

j.

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M - The Beginning of The End

I had started questioning our relationship on a daily basis. The comments from my mom continued to swirl around in my head. I loved him but I was unsure that he was enough for me. He was a good guy but I wasn't sure if he was dynamic enough for me. I was pretty sure that our relationship would end. I was just having a hard time letting go. I didn't want to hurt him.

It was around Remembrance Day 2003 that I got in a mood. M knew that something was off with me. He actually asked me one night what was wrong. I was shocked. He rarely asked about my feelings or moods. He choose to ignore them for the most part. I told him my doubts. I wasn't sure if we were right. We talked at length that night. Some of the final words from his mouth were:

"Maybe you should just move on with your life."

Of course I cried when he said that. In the end we decided to take some time and think about things. I cried a lot those 4 or 5 days. Every time I thought about him I ended up a blubbering idiot. I did talk to him every day we just didn't see each other. We weren't broke up we were taking a time out. I did a lot of thinking and I came to a conclusion.

So five days later we got together to discuss all the thinking that had taken place. I remember being curled up on my couch with my favorite quilt. I had a hangover from the night before and my heart was racing due to the imminent talk that we would be having. I was not looking forward to what might be said in the next hour or so. I just snuggled into my blanket and tried to breathe deep.

He let himself in like he always did. My stomach did flip flops when I heard him on the stairs. I waited for his gentle knock and the door to open. Normally, I would have got up to great him but I was frozen. I was having a hard time breathing never mind moving. He greeted me with a small kiss on the forehead and sat down on the opposite end of the couch.

The conversation started out normal enough. We made the small talk about our weekends. Eventually the walls came down and we laid it out there. We yelled at each other. I cried. He cried. He told me that over the weekend when he was out with some friends he realized that he did not want to end up like the 45 year old bachelor of the group. He wanted to be with someone. We revisited the issue of him feeling neglected. At the end of the conversation he asked:

"So what does this mean? What do we do now?"

"I think that it is over..." I squeaked.

He just stared straight ahead. I saw the tears roll down his face.

"That is not what I want Jen. But.....well I guess I should go..."

And he stood and walked to the door. I followed him and gave him a hug. By this point we were both crying pretty hard. I watched him walk up the stairs. I called after him but he just said he had to go. He didn't even turn around. I went back into my place and cried. Mom phoned and I was crying so I hard I couldn't talk. She calmed me down enough that I could breathe again. After I talked to her I grabbed my journal and started to write. As I wrote the tears came again....it was right then and there that I decided I wasn't ready for it to end. I grabbed the phone. He answered...

"I don't want to lose you" I gasped.

"I don't want to lose you either babe" he whispered. "Don't cry hun, its going to be ok. We will sort it out."

"Will you come back here tonight?"

"I'll be there in 10."

This time when I heard him on the stairs I met him in the kitchen. He took me in his arms and we just stood there. I pulled away and looked up at him and said that we should talk. And we talked. We really talked. It was one of the most open and honest talks that we ever had. And he held me that night till I feel asleep.

Through the remainder of the year our relationship was great. I had one of the best Christmas I had ever had. Through the holidays we spent a lot of time together and with both of our families. We continued to talk. He seemed to be happier. He wasn't grumpy. I was happier too. We talked about moving in together. It felt like a whole new relationship.

After New Year's things started to decline. I began to question things again. I think the excitement of the holidays had worn off and I was returning to reality. I pushed the questions aside. I was really good at ignoring things.

In February I found out that a close friend that I met while in Japan was getting married. The wedding was to be in England, the groom's birthplace. I desperately wanted to go. It would be an opportunity to visit lots of old friends and it would mean spending a week with one or more with one of my very best friends, C. Shortly, after the news of the wedding I found out that I was going to be receiving a substantial income tax return. So instead of eliminating all of my credit card debt I decided to go to England. I was ecstatic.

Of course, I asked M if he wanted to come with me. I knew that he would say no because of lack of funds. And I did not have enough to cover expenses for the both of us. Besides, I wanted to make this trip alone. I needed time with my friends.

M said he was excited for me. But I knew him too well to ignore the fact that he was jealous that I was going without him. He was moody before my trip. But I was so excited about seeing my friends that I just ignored it. He saw me off at the airport. At the time I had no idea that everything would change by the time I returned.

j.

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