more than intermittent

Tonight was date #3 with D, the boy toy. I know I shouldn't think of him as a boy or a toy...but I can't help it. I do see him as more than just a play thing though.

I suggested that we go for dinner. We went to this relatively well known Vietnamese/Thai place here in the city. As we were walking in he commented that he doesn't go out for this type of food very often because his friends are more into standard fare, like burgers. I liked that we were able to go somewhere that he didn't normally go.

Dinner was fab. Conversation was good. He did show his age a little tonight. Just a few comments, but nothing that made wonder why am I on a date with this guy.

I am definitely interested. But I am going to beat a dead horse here....I just have some trouble with the age difference. I can't help but wonder what my parents and my brothers will think. I know that my friends will be cool with it as long as he treats me well and displays a certain level of maturity. And what about his family? his friends?

But on the flip side of all of the age issues, I have to say that the guy has impressed me. We have had 3 dates in a week, he has contacted me between dates, and he has made it known that he is interested. D gets top marks in the categories of dating etiquette and no game-playing. I am impressed....this is what it should be like. Why oh why did ever put up with all that other crap?

So date #3 gets an A+. That is three good dates in a row! This must be a record. I hope the #4 maintains the standard.

j.

My Mom called last night to congratulate me on the new job. She then went on to say that, due to management changes, she wasn't sure if they (my parents) would have a job in a couple weeks. Huh? I talked to Dad this past weekend and he assured me that they do in fact have a job. They are just in the process of working out the details. After I told her this, she explained that until she has the official letters and such that she will be on edge. My response:

"That's where I get it from! You made me this way."

I am a worrier. I can work myself up into a frenzy in a very short period of time. I am good at hiding my anxiety (on this blog not so much!) though. Very few people know how much I worry about the details....will I have enough time to get there? Better tack on another 15 mins to departure time. Keys, do I have my keys? Followed by checking handbag 40 times before leaving the house. Did I set the alarm? Check three thousand times. What is that rash on my arm? Oh god, I am dying of cancer. And on and on...

My latest worry is the new job. What if they change their mind? What if they decide not to send me the written offer? What if it is all a cruel joke? Will the salary be enough to cover my expenses and maintain my lifestyle? I am taking a pay cut you know. Will I get along with my co-workers? Where will I park? What if I don't make it past the probation period? Will i be able to handle two classes and a new job all at once? What if I fail....I have never failed! And on and on...

As you can see my worrying spans a wide spectrum of issues. The common thread is that most, if not all, of it is irrational. I know that I need to chill. The only thing I am accomplishing is stressing myself out. I can't help it though....they made me this way...

O re-emerged and then disappeared again. There were a few more emails and a phone call. He said he was going to call again on Saturday but never did. And he has not asked for another date. I am moving on.

Mister G is back in town. He has been texting me a lot but has not attempted to arrange a get together. I am past playing cat and mouse games. You want me? Then do something about it. I think he is all talk.

So instead, I have decided to rob the cradle. D appeared out of nowhere. He was not on my radar. He is not remotely in my normal age range. He saw my online profile and took a chance. In our first conversation he even admitted that he was not in the age range that I set out. I admire his guts.

How old is he? He is 7 years my junior. Upon learning this, I balked. Surely he is way too young for me. And when I say young I mean immature. I chatted with him for a few days thinking that it would go nowhere. Then he asked me out for a drink. I hummed and hawed. I discussed the situation with a close friend who is notorious for falling for younger guys. She asked why not? All I could say was he is too young. She countered with, its just a date. You never know.

So I accepted his invitation. We went for drinks on Saturday night. The conversation was by far one of the better I have had in recent memory. He is well-spoken and interesting. He has traveled a bit and was genuinely interested in my travel tales. He let me babble on about my journeys, asking interesting questions, and interjecting with his experiences.

He paid. Even though I know that I make more than him. There was no question. I didn't even have time to do the fake reach. And he scored bonus points when he walked me to my door. Oh and he accumulated even more points when he texted to let me know he had a great time and would like to see me again.

I am still hung up, a bit, on his age. At this point I am interested enough to get to know him despite the age difference. Interested a enough to break my own rules and allowed him to take me to a movie on Sunday night. I am proceeding with caution though. I am wary of his motives...I mean what would a young guy like that want with an girl as old as me?

I have to admit that he has blown the competition out of the water. He is attentive but not suffocating. He has made his interest clear. That I like. This is one I am going to explore....I just hope that he proves me wrong on the age issue...

j.

3 words:

I got it.

2 more words:

I accepted.

I am a big ball of nervous excitement. I start on February 26th. Finally, the waiting paid off.

j.

They checked my references on Wednesday. Then on Thursday they sent me an email asking me to complete a Criminal Record Check.

This morning, I was at the Police Station at five to eight. I had to wait in the foyer till they opened. Of course, I was the first customer of the day. It took $25.00 and five minutes to produce a letter that says I am a respectable, crime-free individual.

I have faxed them a copy of my clean record and put the original in the mail. And now I am waiting again.

I know the call is coming. As a general rule of thumb, this organization does not make you do a criminal record check if they are not prepared to offer you the job. So I am at the intersection waiting for the light to change.

Waiting gives me time to think. I am 99% sure that the light is going to change. But what if it doesn't? And if it does change, I have a choice to make. Which direction do I go? Do I stay on my current course? Or do I take a chance and go a new direction.

The potential of heading down a new road is scary but holds so many possibilities. My biggest concern is that if I am offered and I accept this job, I would be taking a substantial pay cut. On the other hand, the opportunity for growth is double, even triple compared to where I am now. Oh and let's not forget that I am currently in a term position and there is no guarantee that I will be extended past June 30th. I may end up having to revert back to my old position on campus....and that would involve an even bigger pay cut.

So till I get that call and the light changes, I am left to contemplate which turn to make...

j.

Check out the sleek new look.

This page is best viewed with FireFox. Internet Explorer makes everything all wonky.

I am having a few font issues that I hope to resolve in the next little while.

Enjoy!

j.

Wes's post found here inspired this...

I have dealt with depression in many different capacities. My first experience with it was when my oldest brother was hospitalized because of severe depression. I didn't realize it at the time but looking back I know that is why he was in the hospital. Although, in the last year he was diagnosed with a form of colitis and would not be surprised if that played a part even way back then. He has come a long way from those days of the moody guy who slept most of the day and was up all night. Although, I still see him dip in and out of depression now and then.

I see myself in him. I am predisposed to depression. It runs in the family. There are countless cousins, aunts and uncles that have been diagnosed with the condition. I have my bouts of depression but they never last more than a week....and even then my depression is private. I am still able to carry on with my daily life. One might even argue that I have not experienced clinical depression. No matter how low I feel I very rarely let myself lay in bed all day. I still manage to get even the menial tasks like laundry and house-cleaning done.

One of my close friends is currently battling depression. I would say that she has been dealing with depression for the last few years. It was last spring that she finally sought medical help. I was relieved that she was finally seeking professional help. I thought it would lighten the load. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a very long road that we are still travelling on.

I reached a breaking point in December with her. I was frustrated and didn't know how to help. The selfish part of me was sick of talking about her problems and having the focus constantly on her and the depression. And of course I felt guilty even thinking any of this. Of course it being the holidays I was dealing with my own holiday blues. I was struggling to keep afloat and not let my own lows take hold and drag me down into the dark place that exists somewhere between unhappiness and utter helplessness. My floatation device came in the form of a conversation with another close friend that told me that he felt the same way. We care but we just needed a break.

After the holidays things improved. I am not sure why but I just seemed to have a higher tolerance level. It also didn't hurt that I started to speak my mind instead of keeping quiet. Instead of letting her dominate our conversations, I have started to let her know that I want to talk about something other than her latest drama.

During a phone conversation on Sunday night, I asked why she called because the conversation seemed to be going in circles and I had studying to do. She quietly said, cause you are the one who fixes things. I laughed. I questioned her on this. She said that she sees me as the one that has it all together. There is this confidence about me. That no matter what I always seem to have it together. Therefore, I am the one they turn to when the need help putting the pieces back in place.

I don't mind being Little Miss Fix It. I just wish I better at applying those fixes to my own life...

j.

I arrived at 2:15 because I am compulsively early.

They made me wait 15 minutes. Then they gave me 2 questions and 15 minutes to prepare answers as they were to be asked in the interview.

Then they interrogated questioned me for almost an hour. There was three of them. And they all had the same big fat interview booklet that seemed to go on forever. I never thought the flipping of pages would end. The fellow to my left was so busy writing that I only saw the top of his head. The guy across the table nodded in agreement a fair number of times and also maintained some eye contact. And to the right was the lovely human resources lady who smiled a lot. It was a bit unnerving all that smiling.

The questions were difficult. However, I managed to answer them in a relatively concise manner. I was thankful that I had enough foresight to do plenty of research on the position, the department, and issues related to the position.

After the questioning came the 30 minute written exercise. Piece of cake! I had anticipated an exercise similar to the one that they gave me so I was more than prepared. I was finished in 20 minutes and not because I didn't know what I was doing.

Overall, I think it went well. I am not sure I am guaranteed the position as they indicated that they had a vast number of applicants. But no matter what the outcome is I am confident that I did not make a fool of myself.

So the waiting begins again...

j.

I found this in my inbox this morning...

Hey Jen!

Sorry for the late reply, I've had an extremely busy week, I really enjoyed getting together again, I had a really good time. Any time I talk with you I have a great time, and I'm always smiling after we have chatted. Maybe next time we can catch a movie. Well, I'm off to bed good night and I will talk to you later.

O

First reaction was:

You jerk! You mean you were so busy that you didn't even have time to reply to my email? Come on, how long did it take you to type that message? 10 mins?

10 minutes later:

Ok, maybe he did have a busy week. We have only had two dates its not like he is my boyfriend. But still do I really want to wait around for the guy?

Later in the day, after discussing with friends over dim sum:

One friend asked how many chances I have given him. I said none. This is the first time anything of the sort has happened. With that the asked how much I liked the guy. I said I could take it or leave it....it has potential but I am not over the moon. They seemed to think that maybe I should go out with him again and see what happens...I was still undecided.

As I write this:

I am still not sure. I think that no matter what I should explain my feelings to him. Tell him that I expected a call or email earlier in the week. Tell him that the silence gave me indication that he was no longer interested.

However the question remains....if he asks, do I go out with him again? Or do I give up on the whole affair? Comments welcomed and much appreciated.

j.

Tonight I remembered why I hate dating. Especially the early stages....you know dates 1 through 4, 5,...10. Well at least until it is firmly established that you are an exclusive item.

Dating = Waiting.

Waiting for phone calls, for emails, for communication of any form. With the waiting comes doubt. Doubt that they had a horrible time on the last date and therefore will not call, email, or communicate in any way shape or form.

And every time I date someone new I tell myself that I am not going to doubt. That I will not care if they call or not call. But of course I care! And of course I wait and then the doubt sets in.

It is the close of day three. Shouldn't he have called tonight? Shouldn't he be wanting to set up another date for the weekend? Or at least want to touch base so I don't think he isn't interested? Does him not calling mean that he isn't interested?

Sometimes I think I will never stop feeling like a 15 year old. You know, feeling like my whole life depends on the call from a stupid boy.

I should be wrapped up in the impending job interview that I have scheduled on Monday. Yes, I have been invited to interview for a position that I would die for. If I get this job it will open so many doors...and it would get me into a field that I am passionate about.

But nooooo....all I can worry about is a stupid boy that hasn't called.

Sigh. Someone tell me to grow up...

j.

Strike one: he was late. Not just 10 minutes late but a full 25 minutes. I was about to give up on him thinking that I was stood up when he arrived. He explained that he got lost trying to find my place. Which is a passable excuse I suppose but I will be on the look out for more time infringements. I am the time nazi remember....

He negated his time crime by opening the car door for me, taking me to a new establishment that I have been wanting to visit, paying the tab (he paid on the first date as well), complimenting me numerous times on everything from my hair to my voice, and being the perfect gentleman when we decided to watch a movie at my place.

O is...he is...I don't want to say the "n" word but I am struggling to find another adjective that is suitable. He is nice. He comes from a good family...meaning they are close and raised well. He is smart, not university educated but still able to hold an intelligent, well-informed conversation. He is funny. He has good manners. He has soft but strong hands. He is manly but yet sensitive and I sense a slight vulnerability.

I can't believe that I even thought this but....he reminds me of M. The good bits of M that is. They are alike but so different. He is more of a giver than M ever was....I know this already and I have only had two dates with O!

I am not sure where this will go. I am not sure if O is right for me or vice versa. But I do think it is off to a good start...I like that neither of us is rushing it. I am hopeful but not resting all my hopes on it. I am prepared for this one to move ahead or to stop short. And you know what? I feel really good about that...

j.

As I swung my legs off the bed and looked down at the floor I realized it was official. I am a snot factory. The bedside was littered with crusty kleenexes. I swear I was almost knee deep in them! And no I would never exaggerate about such matters. I think that I must be close to filling the quotas as production has slowed considerably. Now if I could just get rid of the cough...

In between the sneezing, sniffling, and hacking I have had to deal with work, classes, and boys. Not much to report on the work and class front. Things are moving at pace far faster than I would like. I think that by next Tuesday I will have caught up to this Friday.

Boys. Boys. Boys. I have a second date with Mountie hopeful O tomorrow night. I pray that I do not hack up a lung on his dinner plate or sneeze and spray boogers into his drink. Cross your fingers that the snot factory closes for business tomorrow evening around 6.

G. You didn't think I forgot about him did you? He is away at work for another couple weeks. However, that has not stopped him from texting or msning on a regular basis. I have come to the firm conclusion that all he wants is my body. Flattering on some levels. Is it a bad thing? Me thinks not. I will keep him on the line until I get sick of playing his little text games or until something more permanent comes along.

Till next time...

j.

I had my first Japanese class of this semester today. Talk about stepping it up a notch! The class only has 9 students. I noted that all present were the top students from the class I took last semester.

The number of kanji we are expected to learn each chapter has doubled. Instead of 10-15 per chapter we are learning 20-30. Not to mention that they are increasingly complex. Sentence structures are also more complex. And the amount of vocabulary we are expected to know is massive. Each week there will be a mini-quiz on vocab and/or kanji....same as last semester, except this time every second week we will do a speaking quiz. Each speaking quiz will consist of 10 statements that you prepare and present to the class...in other words a mini-presentation. This will be beneficial but also a lot of work as I refuse to make a mistake in front of the whole class.

I am also taking a business class this semester. I will not find out about the work load for that one till tomorrow...from what I hear it will be a research paper, a presentation, midterm and final. I will be busy that is for sure!

Wish me luck....

j.

On January 5, 2007...

Cath: Any plans for the weekend?

Jen: Have a date tonight...just drinks.

Cath: Who with?

Jen: The one with the funny name...

Jen: O---

Cath: Exciting...I would love it if you married someone called O---

Jen: But he isn't a Mountie

Catherine: I know :(

Jen: Could you imagine! A Mountie called O---

Cath: I know too good!!!

j.

On December 6, 2006....

Cath: Are you going to go and hunt out that Mountie?

Jen: Maybe sat night....but I have text boy (G) to deal with as well. We have been corresponding a lot.

Cath: I want you to marry the Mountie. So I can come to a Mountie wedding.

Jen: I don't particularly want to marry a cop.

Cath: That would be so cool...

Jen: Cause then I have to behave, you know be respectable...

Cath: But he is not a real cop.

Jen: Uh ya he would be...

Cath: He just dresses funny and rides round on a horse

Jen: LOL

Cath: You could have little Mountie babies.

Jen: And they would pop out in full uniform right?

Cath: ...and I could be like' my friend Jen, yeah the one who lives in Canada, is married to a Mountie'

Jen: Well then I must go in search of a Mountie husband!

Cath: Go forth and search and multiply!

j.

Work has been crazy. I am getting ready for the next semester so I have paperwork and such coming out my butt. Add to that a cold and I have not been a happy camper.

So you can imagine how annoyed I was when I went to a meeting regarding our new email/calander system to learn how to deal with resources (ie: room bookings) and the freaking girl wasn't prepared. By wasn't prepared I mean, she forgot to get IT to set up the accounts for my resources.

The most annoying bit is that I emailed her on Dec 10. Plenty of time to get this stuff sorted before our meeting...

Grrr.

Stupid incompetent people.

Thank god its friday.

j.

As I searched the floor for my other sock, I couldn't stop myself from reflecting on how I ended up there...

G appeared back in September. He saw my profile online and made contact. We seemed to go through spurts. We would talk online for a few nights in a row and then nothing...one of us would disappear for a week or more. It wasn't that I didn't find him interesting or vice versa. I think neither of us were in a chasing mood.

In the past month the frequency of our conversations increased. They have even spilled over into all day conversations via text. I was beginning to wonder if all this messaging was going to develop into anything outside the realm of computers and mobiles. In my mind it was quite possible that I was a good distraction for him as he has been up North working. He is lonely, needs someone to talk to and all that. Would he want to meet when he was home for the holidays? It wasn't until last week that he asked if he could met me while he was home. I was happy he asked and answered positively.

Then the holidays pulled into view and I began to doubt... Does he still want to meet? Will he like me in person? Maybe I shouldn't even bother. And on and on and on...Why do I do this? Why do I see the end before it even begins? Sigh.

So he made it back into the city. We continued to text but no plans were made to meet. I gave up on the guy. Then out of the blue he texts me. We have that flirty you are all talk, no you are, prove it conversation that we have had a million times. He eventually calls and invites me over to his place....at 1 am. I wonder what he wants? I am curled up on my couch under my blankie and I am not going anywhere.

The next night I go out, get hammered, and wake up in his bed. No, he didn't take advantage of my drunken state. I was the one who made my way over there. If anyone took advantage it was me. I took advantage of the liquid courage I had running through my system.

This one has a great big TO BE CONTINUED sign on it...

j.

p.s. Happy New Year