more than intermittent

I struggle to find the words to describe how I feel. I have wanted to pour it all out onto the page but the words escape me. I sit fingers resting on the keys waiting for inspiration to hit me like a bolt of lightening. But nothing...

Maybe I should tell the tale of my trip to Saskatoon a few weeks back. Give you all the juicy details of how I finally managed to meet up with The Out-of-Towner. And then I would have to tell you about how he has managed to drop off the face of the earth. Or about he disappointed me just like all the ones before him.

Or I suppose I could tell about the afternoon I spent with S. About how it was nice to feel wanted. And about how I feel a tad guilty for using him for the company.

Oh and let's not forget about this past weekend...that is a neutral and upbeat tale. Time spent with the parents and other relatives at my Aunt's 65th birthday. Time with SaskMom and her family. About how spending time with her and her kids made me realize that parenthood isn't all that bad.

But eloquence eludes me and you are stuck with the bare minimum. Maybe tomorrow I will have more to say...

j.

My new office is located downtown. This means an extra 10-15 minutes tacked on to my morning and evening commute. I know, I know, that is nothing to complain about. However, in a city this size my commute is considered average to long. It also means that I have to drag my but out of bed earlier...it is amazing what a difference 10 minutes makes.

The upside is that the walk to and from my car allows me to observe an array interesting characters. There is mumbling old guy that yells at the cars as they zoom past on their way to extortionately priced parking stalls; or there is butt face that scours the outdoor ashtrays and sidewalks for half smoked cigarettes; oh and I can't forget clown lady who,I swear, uses a trowel to apply her makeup. And the newest addition to the club...Puffy haired potty mouth. I swear that woman must have been a sailor in another life. That or she was having a really bad day.

Of course I also see plenty of normal* looking people. But we all know that it is the normal ones that are the most freakish. Take me for example...I am considered normal. I dress well, I am educated, and have a good job. But anyone who truly knows me, knows that I have freak tendencies. It takes a true freak to be able to perpetuate a conversation about nipple tassels, egg juice, porn manuscripts, and mobile poodle washing companies (Side note: Cath, I still have that list of Australian ventures!). Of course it always helps if you have a fellow freak to have these conversations with.

I guess when you get down to it we are all a little freakish. Some are blatantly obvious and others hide it from view except in those rare moments of abandon. Sometimes I am envious of the obvious freaks. They don't care what people think...they see no need to disguise their quirks with normalcy. It is comforting to know that they are freaks like me...

j.

*What is normal anyway??

Waiting. Waiting for something to happen. I have been waiting to long. I pretend that I am not. Hidden in the darkest corners is the truth. The truth is that I have been waiting for it to happen.

It is nice to think that I can be so optimistic that I am willing to wait this long. It is also sad to think that I have waited this long for something so far out of reach. If it hasn't happened yet why would it now?

Let go. I tell them that all the time. So why can't I take my own advice?

Let go. Stop waiting. Move on.

Easier said than done.

j.

Some days, like today, I am not so sure that I want to be coupled. To embark on the journey of marriage and parenthood is complicated.

For as long as I can remember I thought I wanted a husband and kids. But now I am not so sure. As more and more time passes I become more and more jaded. Or bitter. Or both.

A friend of mine asked me shortly after landing my shiny new job "What is your dream job? What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I told her that I want to work in the field that I recently landed a job in. But, I have my sights set higher. I want to move up the ladder, or at the least the ladder I have set out for myself. This may include going overseas again.

Then it hit me....by the time I get to that point I may have a family. And that may hinder the continent hopping that I have in mind. 6 months here, 1 year there, 3 months back home etc is not exactly conducive to raising children or maintaining a marriage. I know, I know, it can be done...people have done it in the past blah blah blah.

And then today I was up in Toon town visiting friends. My one friend is a year older than me, married, and has 3 children (5,3,and 7months). Our families are close and we grew up like sisters. A year ago I was jealous of her. She had, in my eyes, the perfect little family. Her children are gorgeous and well-behaved. Her husband loving and supportive. I wanted her life. But today was a different story...she is starting to fray around the edges. She is frazzled, worn out, and lacking identity. She knows this. She pointed it out more than once. Today the tables turned, she was jealous of me.

I left her place thinking that I was glad that I don't have children. My lifestyle would have to change drastically. And frankly, I am not ready to give up my freedom. A prime example was my trip to Saskatoon this weekend. It was a spur of the moment, why the hell not kinda trip. I could not do that if I had a hubby and babies.

These days it seems every time I turn around another con of coupledom and family life leaps out at me. Just watch, I will have this water tight case built up against marriage and then "the one" will come riding into view...

j.

The year started with a dating frenzy...

There was O. That started with conversations just after Christmas and lead to a date the first weekend in January. Follow that with a second date that showed a great deal of potential. And then silence. I emailed and called him shortly after that date and waited a week to get a response. The response was tepid. So I dropped it...or he dropped it...or we both did.

Next was D. He came on strong and was very optimistic about our dating potential. He pursued me, convinced me to go on a date. And I did. I was hesitant. I had doubts from the beginning. Something wasn't right...I just knew that if I let him in that I would end up hurt. As it turns out I was right. A week or so after date 6 he gave me a lame excuse about being busy. So I dropped it.

And of course there is G. That is, as you all know, an ongoing saga. Actually, I am not even sure if you can call it dating. It is more like electronic flirting with the occasional roll in the hay.

There is also The Out-of-Towner. I haven't mentioned him much on here. Partially because there is not much to tell. He pops in and out of my life. He calls. I call. We talk. Then I chase him away. He calls again. He has a knack for resurfacing just after I stop seeing someone. In the last month we have talked on a regular basis and plans to get together are in the works. Although, nothing has come of it just yet. I discount the possibility of a relationship due to the distance. But you never know.

So the flurry of activity has ended and now there is a calm but uneasy silence. A year ago I would have been shattered by the results of all this dating. I would have seen it as rejection after rejection. But this time I am not so bothered. I think that I have become desensitized. Or maybe cynical is a better word. Now instead of getting upset I just shrug my shoulders, sigh, and move on. Besides I just don't have the time to dwell on it...

j.

Week one at the new job is nearing completion. It has been a busy week hence the lack of posts. At this moment I am supposed to be working on a paper but I have decided to take the night off. I have had no down time this week so I think it is much deserved.

The new job is good. It is not quite what I expected but I think I will enjoy it none-the-less. I thought I was going to be in over my head...the reality is that in a month I should be up to speed and a pro. Ok maybe not a pro but competent and able to produce. I think it will suit me well.

The only scary/nerve-wracking part is that on my first day I was taken to a meeting that launched an organizational review. Now we all know that organizational reviews are usually only initiated when there are issues to be addressed. The only comfort I have is that the initiation of this process means that they acknowledge that there are problems and they are embarking on the journey to fix them.

Outside of work I have been busy with tests and papers. The tests are all done now, thank heaven. The paper is not done...I was supposed to hand it in this evening. Instead I told the instructor I had a late meeting and would not be in class and was unsure if I would have it completed due to the new job. The late meeting wasn't a total lie...that is if beers with co-workers count as a late meeting.

j.

I chopped my hair off the other day...


And the sleeker style...


I loved it the first day. Then yesterday I had some issues with the style. And today I love it again! It is alot shorter than I first thought. The stylist did take off 3 inches or more. Now, instead of my hair hitting mid-back it brushes my shoulders. It is bouncy, flirty, and fun. Although, the ponytail for the gym is going to be an issue...

j.

"You know me, I don't tell one person everything. Everyone just gets bits and pieces."

"I know, I am the same way. There is one thing that, if I told you, you would be mad at me for it."

"What is it?"

"I can't say, you will get mad and never speak to me again."

"Don't play that game with me. You know me well enough to know that I hate it when people bring something up and then don't have the courage to follow through and actually say it."

"I know," he muttered as he dropped his chin to his chest.

"Come on, spill it," I urged. "I think I know what it is anyway. I promise I won't be mad."

"Do you? Well then you could guess..."

"Oh no you don't. You are not going to slip out of it that easily."

"I can't...you will be mad."

"Look, I will not be mad at you. I will, however, be mad if you continue to dodge the issue."

"Well its just that...." he stammered, "I really wanted to see you...and I was thinking that maybe....well maybe I could sleep with you again."

I knew it! . Even though he assured me that it was not about that. I knew that eventually this was going to become an issue. I also knew that if I wanted to, I could have him in bed in a instant. I am his weakness. The one that got away.

"You know that can't happen. It is tempting. But no. And there are 3 reasons why."

"3 reasons? And they are?" he asked.

"One, your wife. Two, your son. And three...." I trailed off.

"What is it?"

"It's just that...it wouldn't just be one night of fun. There is too much history between us....it would never end at one night. That act would stir up too many old feelings."

"On your part?"

"Its not me I am worried about. Its you. You are the one that keeps tracking me down. I have no way of contacting you. You are the one who tells me, every time I see you, that you think about me. That you imagine what it would be like if we were still together. I don't think those things."

"I suppose you're right. Now you're mad huh?"

"I told you I wouldn't be mad. I knew this was coming."

"You know me better than myself, " he chuckled.

Yes, I can see right through him. I knew the first time he called that it was going to come to this. The conversation was inevitable. And I knew that he was genuinely concerned that I was mad at him. Mad? No. Disappointed? Definitely.

So, I sent him on his way with reassurance that I was not mad. And I drove home in silence thinking that it is nice to be wanted....but not so nice to be wanted by your ex that is married with children.

j.

conversation had on February18, 2007

Slopitch in the snow. Only in Canada. Perhaps only on the prairies. -10 C, three plus feet of snow and we are playing ball. No one ever accused us of being sane.

I play on two teams during the summer months. One team is a ladies team that is rather competitive. The other team, the one that made up the bulk of the snopitch team, is a valid excuse for us to drink beer on school nights. They balance each other out. Plus they keep me busy with 3 plus games a week in May and June.

This weekend made me realize that I am looking forward to the start of the season. I was also impressed with my batting, as it is the middle of the off season and I still managed to crack a few good ones over the heads of the fielders. Not to mention the fact that I was also bundled up and therefore my mobility was a bit restricted.

All in all it was a good weekend...

j.

p.s. What the hell is that brown stuff in the snow??