more than intermittent

I absently reached for the phone, not bothering to look up from the file I was working on to check the caller id. I figured it would just be another general inquiry that got patched over to me during the lunch hour. When I cover over lunch I very rarely get a call that involves more than answering routine questions.

3 seconds into the conversation I realized that this was a call that I was waiting for. I proceeded to ask the questions that needed to be asked. The client got defensive. I tried to explain myself. At the end of five minutes my pulse had quickened and my face flushed.

He attacked me personally. He questioned my ability. He thought I was being demanding in my line of questioning, even though the questions I posed are ones that I ask on a regular basis. I was not, as he assumed, attacking him. At the end of ten minutes he was yelling. He even went as far as name calling.

I should have hung up the phone. I do not need nor do I deserve abuse of that nature. But every customer service bone in my body would not let hit the release button. I tried to remain calm. At the twenty minute mark I tried to end the call. The problem with that solution was that he wouldn't let me talk. He knew that he had gotten to me and he was not going to relent.

Finally after thirty minutes I was able to end the call. As soon as I hung up the phone I put my face in my hands. Then I felt my shoulders start to shake. Next I started gasping for breath. And finally, hot angry tears rolled down my cheeks.

I was angry that I let him get to me. That I let him yell. The whole time I was listening to him I knew not to take it personally. I know that I am competent. I know that his reaction is a direct indicator that something is not right. People do not get defensive and yell when they have nothing to hide.

The follow up meeting with my manager reaffirmed all my thoughts. I did no wrong. I was doing my job. My manager spoke to the client and he was just as rude and abusive with him. And now my manager and I are in complete agreement that this guy is up to something. We are working with him just so we can nail his ass to the wall in a couple weeks.

Thank god I am on holidays next week....I am emotionally and physically drained and need to recharge.

j.

In one of those rare moments of complete honesty, he told me that I scared him because he liked me and wasn't sure what to do. I felt like telling him that it was too little too late. But I just sat there, starting at the computer screen not knowing how to respond.

I should have never slept with him that first night. I should have told him how I wanted more than late night phone calls. I should have never let him get away with the intermittent correspondence. I should have expressed how I wanted him despite him being away 3 weeks at a time. There are so many should haves with him that it makes my head spin.

And now, he is back in the city and has expressed how he hopes to see me. I don't think I can put him off any longer. I have backed myself into a corner. But part of me does not want to let him go. There is a connection there....I can't explain it but there is something. Something in those deep blue eyes that keep drawing me in.

I know that I am treading on dangerous ground. You don't have to remind me of his behaviour over the last nine months. That his actions strongly indicated that he may just be interested in the occasional booty call. I also know that you are thinking that he is just trying to appeal to my emotional side so he can get in my pants at least one more time. Rationally, I know all of this. But my heart is pulling me in another direction. It tells me that he really does like me. That if his work situation was different, we would be different. But that is one big if...

j.

I am no longer in the technological dark ages. I put a big dint in my savings this weekend by purchasing a new laptop. My old machine died and it was just the excuse I needed to purchase a new system. I am loving it. Now I can blog from the comfort of my bed...

j.

*I have had pain in my foot, specifically my heel, for sometime now. Last month, I went to the doctor to make sure it wasn't something serious. She sent me away with orders to get an X-ray. Today, I went to get the result of the X-rays. She told me that I have "quite a large heel spur." So now I have to go see a podiatrist to get orthopedic insoles for my shoes. If that doesn't help the next step is physiotherapy.

*The atmosphere at work is interesting. Last week they let the big boss go...in other words they fired him. They are not even telling the managers (my boss) the reasons why they shoved him out the door. This event occurred the same day me and my boss had that conversation about change.

*Despite all the uncertainty in the office, work is going really well. I have been asked to do a presentation based on some of my past work experience. The request was very flattering. It is nice to know that they recognize that I have expertise in an area that is important to our work.

*Despite the pain in my foot, I am still playing a vast amount of baseball. I like it to much to give it up. However, after the season comes to a close I think that I will take up swimming as it will not aggravate my condition.

*3 weeks to go and I will out on the lake with a line in the water, breathing in the fresh air, and marvelling at the sunset.

j.