more than intermittent

I am struggling with the words. Type type erase. I wrestle them from my mind trying to commit them to the screen. But they break free somewhere between the keyboard and my fingers. Slipping from my grasp and running from sight.

I am struggling with my emotions. This is fueling the wrestling match with the words. One minute I am optimistic, feeling like I am on the verge of something big. And the next I am retreating, hiding, thinking I am right back at the beginning of this never-ending cycle.

I feel like the words. I want to break free. Run. Find a blank page and start a new chapter. But I know that it will chase me. That eventually the rest of the story will catch up with me. The words will return. The emotions will stabilize. The cycle will begin again.

The cycle. The never-ending cycle. It makes me dizzy.

Type type erase.

I tell myself to stop. Breathe. It will fit together. I will find that path. Eventually. Hopefully.

j.

He was the last person I would have expected to run into. In fact I did not expect to run into anyone that I knew as the event took place in a small neighbouring city. So when my friend told me that he was there i was shocked. I was mainly shocked that it was this particular friend that informed me as I had never told him anything about PR Dude.

It turns out that my friend is close friend's with a guy that went to high school with PR Dude. So when the stag and stagette ended up at the same venue my night became slightly awkward. To our credit we both took the situation in stride...for the most part. There were some definite tense moments...like when he brought a girl home (we were all staying at the same place). As far as I know nothing happened between them but it did lower my opinion of him as it was my understanding that he was seeing someone. This meant that either he is slime or he is now single. It came out later that he is single and in fact been single all along.

This morning my friend was doing some work on my car. So of course it gave him and I a chance to talk about the gong show that was our Saturday night. He told me that he liked PR Dude. They had an opportunity to have a long conversation as they drove the party bus (long story!) back to our city. The focus of the conversation was mainly about me. Apparently PR Dude likes me enough to ask if he has a chance with me. My friend said well if you did you messed it up by bringing that girl back to the house. To which PR Dude replied but nothing happened with her. Hmmppff. Not the point.

PR Dude also told my friend that he lied to me. Lied about seeing someone. Why? Cause he figured out that I was seeing someone and didn't want me to think that he couldn't get someone. I just shook my head. If only he knew that he didn't need to impress me. That I was impressed with him the first time I met him. That in fact I was more interested in him than RNG. That I was a tad disappointed when he told me that he was seeing someone. That I was not surprised that he found someone else as he is intelligent and attractive.

It is all still muddled in my mind. I need some time to sort out how I feel about the situation. I need to figure out if I want to give him another chance....that is if he wants it. Do I approach him? Or do I just chalk it up to bad timing and move on? Why oh why is dating so awkward?

j.

I asked him if he would have some time to talk...in person. But he pushed me to do it then and there. I didn't want to have the conversation over the phone. I wanted him to look me in the eyes and tell me that he was 100% sure that this is what he wanted. I wanted resolution. And he forced me to do it over the phone...

I told him that I was feeling strange about everything. I asked him how do we proceed. He told me that he thought we had clarified that....we are friends. I asked him if there was any chance of that changing in the future. Maybe. He can't predict the future. Nor can I. We basically had the same conversation that we had on Tuesday. Except this time I was able to approach it from a rational standpoint. I got my resolution.

Day four dawned and I felt good. The conversation allowed me to take a step forward. And that step allowed me a good nights sleep and some perspective. Yes, it sucks that it ended. But at least it ended sooner rather than later. This way we have a chance at friendship. I want him as a friend, even if it takes time for me to accept that.

Day four ended with pints, pizza, and a load of laughs with a coworker and her husband. I will be ok. Life will go on. I have resolution.

I was feeling ok with everything yesterday, day 1. Or at least I was pretending to be ok with it. Work kept me busy and distracted (as a side note I have felt like I am in an episode of The Office the past few weeks). And then I went home...

I started to think. Think about whether or not this was salvageable. About whether or not it really was over. About whether or not I should try to fight for it. And about whether or not I was to accepting of the outcome.

Then, I talked to one of my closest friends. I gave him the highlights of the situation. He sympathized. He confirmed that some of my feelings are valid. And he told me that it wasn't my fault. But then he asked a question: "In five years will you regret this decision?"

I don't know. That was my answer. And he told me that based on my answer maybe I need to think about this a bit more. To which I replied: "What is there to think about? I cannot change the way RNG feels. I cannot force him into a relationship."

At this point my friend explained that maybe he is not ready now but is there a chance of him being ready down the road. Is there a chance that he would want a relationship with you later on. That makes sense. That I never thought about. But that is something I also have an issue with. What if a year or 2 or 5 down the road RNG then says sorry I still don't want a relationship? How long do I wait?

So here I am right now. Day two. Last night was rough. And today I feel shaky, teary, and queasy. Not to mention that my powers of concentration have abandoned me. And to add to all of that, I started the day with a meeting that was laden with negative undertones and power struggles. I am questioning the decision. I am starting to realize that I had more emotion invested in this than I thought.

I want to talk to him. I want to bolt from my office and resolve this. I don't want to feel this way. I want to be normal. I want to take it all back. Can we go back to day 0?

j.

It really makes me wonder why I even try. It seems that I always end up in the same place. It started out good and if I am completely honest it even ended good. But I am still left here...right back where I started.

It all came out before I really even had a chance to stop it. Once the dam springs a leak it is hard to stop the imminent flood...especially when the pressure has built up. I told him I was frustrated. That I felt like a convenience. Am I wasting my time? Am I just someone to fill the gap? Yes. And I hadn't really thought of it that way but probably.

I knew deep down that he wasn't ready to start a serious relationship. I saw the signs. I ignored them. I ignored because I wasn't sure what I wanted. And why ruin a good thing with all that messy talk about relationships? But I couldn't hold it in anymore. I had to know if I was spinning my wheels. I am not getting any younger you know. I got my answer.

I am not in love with him. I never saw myself marrying him. But that doesn't make it any easier. He wants to remain friends. I like that idea but right now I am not sure if I can carry through with it. I will need time to wrap my head around the idea.

I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry...so this is goodbye.

j.

"You are so laid back," he commented as he gave me a tap on my butt.

Maybe I should have taken the opportunity to spill all the worries, frustrations, and stresses that are eating at me. I could have told him how I spent most of Monday crying and feeling sorry for myself. I could have told him how I have been gathering the courage to talk to him about our relationship. There are numerous things that I could have said at that exact moment to prove that I am not as laid back as I appear. But I just laid there and smiled.

The calm, cool, collected exterior is a front. It is a defense mechanism. It is a product of the wall. I don't let people see me get angry, nervous, or scared. If I did I would be vulnerable. Being vulnerable means that I can be hurt easily. I don't want to be hurt again.

I don't think he realizes my depth. Not because he is oblivious. But because I haven't shown it. I am holding back. I have been from date number one. Why? I have said it before and I will say it a million times...I don't want to be hurt again.

j.

I was lurking on crackbook facebook the other day when I stumbled across a profile that I should have ignored. I should have clicked away. Closed the browser and went on with my life. But no...I had to look. And not just a quick look. I poured over the information. I studied it. I looked for tiny details that would give me a glimpse into their life. The whole time I could feel my heart beating faster, the lump in my throat growing larger, and my stomach churning. But still I kept looking.

Rationally I know that we are both better off....that weren't right for each other. But it still hurts. It still hurts that he cast me aside to marry her. And it hurts even more that they are happy. The pictures on her profile show that they have something that we never did. When I was scrolling through the photos I kept thinking who is this guy? This is not the M that I knew.

He was moody. He preferred to stay in his basement rather than go out with me and my friends. I even had to prod him to go out with his own friends. And now I see these photos...these photos that show him out and even dressed up for Halloween.

I wanted to scratch her eyes out. If I could have reached into the computer and tore up those pictures I would have. They aren't supposed to be happy. They are supposed to be divorced by now. He is supposed to be miserable and wishing that he never let me go. He is supposed to be tracking me down and begging me to come back. And then I would reject him. Happy isn't supposed to be a player in this. I know that I have said that I hope he is happy and I wish him no ill will and blah blah blah....that is a load of bull. I don't want him to be happy. I guess I am a vindictive bitch after all.

j.

With nothing but the sound of wind and the boat motor in my ears, I let go. I let go of all the worries. I stopped thinking. I focused my attention on the lake. I soaked up the sun. Took deep breaths of the crisp northern air. Worried about nothing more than how many fish I would catch. And that wasn't even a worry as my luck, I mean skill, as an angler was at an all time high.

I told myself on the drive up that I would write every day. That I would come back with a journal full of blog posts. But you know what? I was so relaxed I couldn't be bothered. So instead of eloquent words composed in a boat, or by campfire you get a few photos...


j.