more than intermittent

"I just wanted to hear a friendly voice."

"It is 5:30 in the morning though."

"But every time I call you in the evening you don't answer."

"I am a busy person. I am not usually home between 7 and 9."

"Just answer this though...it is not because of what happened the last time we saw each other right? Are you upset with me because of that?"

Sigh. "Yes, I was upset. Yes, I was pissed at you. But I got over it. Whatever."

"Don't be like that..."

"Like what? I got over it. I am not dwelling on it."

"I know I messed up. But I hope we can still be friends. You have always been a good friend to me."

"I am willing to be your friend, but I am not sure that is all you want. And you need to know, that we will not get back together. There is no chance of that happening. So if that is why you keep calling you shouldn't bother."

"J, that is not it. You know that."

"Oh? You could have fooled me. Think about it. You called me at 5:30 in the morning to profess your love to me. To tell me that you have more feelings for me than for your wife. That breaking up with me was one of the biggest mistakes of your life. That if I had asked you to run away to Vegas to get married back then you would have. And that you think about me regularly and wonder what it would be like if we had stayed together. Oh and let's not forget the events of the last time you were in town and we went for dinner. Now, tell me how does that look to you?"

Silence.

"This has to stop. I care about you, about how you are doing. But you are nothing more than a friend. If you are holding out for more, you should know that it is not going to happen."

"I am sorry J. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for all the mistakes I have made. "

Sigh of frustration. "I am not hurt anymore. That hurt is in the past. That was ten years ago! A lot has happened since then. I am not the same person. I have grown. I have let go. I have moved on. And you should do the same."

j.

Refer here for the original cast of characters. It is time for a status update.

The Welder: A suitable match for J on paper. However, a few of his personality traits annoy her to the point of wanting to gouge out her eyes with a rusty spoon. He will meet an untimely death in this story, but we are positive that he will move on to the next story and live happily ever after.

G: He has made a few guest appearances via MSN and text messages. He is the invisible man.

Random Professional Dude: J conversed via MSN for approximately a week. He was intelligent and witty. She agreed to a coffee date. The date lasted 45 minutes, perhaps the shortest date in her dating life. He was nothing like his picture or description. He will get but a mention but never appear in person.

RNG: Friendship is being attempted. J, however, keeps her distance as she still needs time to re-establish the boundaries.

The Lawyer: J is quite taken by him. he is the complete package. However, he has not expressed interest in a second date. Therefore, J has concluded that he is in fact out of her league. He may make cameo appearances in future episodes.

The Musician: The front runner. J has high hopes for a third date. She is even considering taking him to a party at a friends in the very new future. She has resolved not to over analyze it and is attempting to let it develop at its own pace. Expect to see more of him.

j.

I noticed a lot more about him during this date. Like, his warm brown eyes that sparkle when he laughs. His deep manly voice, that probably sounds amazing when he sings. His full and very kissable lips. His straight white teeth. His genuine interest in getting to know me. His understated confidence. In the end, he left me wanting more.

j.

Three dates. Three days. It was a bit much. I felt trapped. I felt like he had already progressed us to the point of coupledom. I could have said no to dates two and three but I didn't. Why? Because I wanted to get it over with. Give him three dates and make a decision. It is not looking good for Mr. Welder man.

On paper, we are a good match. But as we all know chemistry plays a big part in the dating game. There was a certain amount there but I found that by the end of he second date it was turning into annoyance. He annoyed me. I was acting like a bitch and he took it. Upon reflection, I realize that I do not like the person I become when around him. And that is a scary thought considering we only had three dates.

I am 95% sure that I don't want another date with him. I have told him that it was a bit much a bit soon. He agreed. Although, I think I may have hurt his feelings. But I cannot dwell on that. I owe him nothing...not even another date. Besides, the Lawyer and the Musician both have my interest peaked and are pulling ahead of the pack.

j.

"I feel a bit overwhelmed by all this dating. Is it wrong to date this many people at once?"

"Not at all."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Just pretend you are on one of those shows..."

Cue fits of laughter.

j.

When he walked into the pub my stomach did a few somersaults. When he noticed me and made his way to the table with a grin on his face my stomach did a few more somersaults. Then the nerves hit. I started to fidget as we said our hellos. I finally had to sit on my hands so as not to appear too nervous.

We ordered some drinks and launched into conversation. He asked about my work. And as I began to elaborate on what I did I could feel myself relax. I knew from that point on I would have no problem carrying the conversation. That is if I could somehow avoid getting lost in those deep blue eyes of his...

As we talked about everything from work to dating, I couldn't help but notice his melodic and soothing voice. He was articulate and intelligent. He was not loud and boisterous. He appeared relaxed, confident, and genuinely interested in what I had to say. There was something about him that was very inviting. He is accomplished and sophisticated but grounded. I did not see any hint of arrogance.

After a few drinks, we called it an afternoon. As we exited the establishment, there was this awkward moment...as there usually is at the end of first dates. I wasn't sure if he wanted to shake my hand or go in for a hug. Feeling hesitant, bashful, and self-conscious I diffused the situation by mumbling a goodbye and some nonsense about going over there now. Suave, I was not.

I returned home to brood. I was taken by Mr. Lawyer man. I found the date exhilarating. But yet I had a horrible feeling that, just because I liked him, he would not want a repeat. So to distract myself, I prepared for date number two with the Welder. As I was ready, well in advance of the appointed meeting time, I decided to kill some time online. This message was waiting for me when I signed in to my MSN:

Hey there...sorry for the awkwardness...I wanted to hug you, but I'm never very good at those situations. Thanks again for meeting me...you are as sweet as your smile :)

Maybe there will be a repeat performance after all...

j.

I jumped when the doorbell rang at 6:50. I told him he was early. He gave me a sly grin and told me that he got the speech about being late so he made sure that he was on time. He also said later that he, like myself, is a bit of a time nazi.

We made our way to my favorite Japanese restaurant. This would be his first sushi experience. I told him flat out that if he hated it he could not blame me as it was his idea. He laughed and whole-heartily agreed. The conversation flowed easily. He asked pointed and intelligent questions. He flirted. He dropped compliments.

Dinner itself was fantastic, as it always is at that venue. He enjoyed the sushi, which was a relief. We continued the night at a local lounge. We had a few drinks and continued with the conversation. At one point he commented on how I am hard to read. That normally he would have someone figured out by that point. I laughed to myself. I wanted to tell him that it is the wall and that it will take some time to get over or around it.

At the end of the evening, in my driveway, as I was getting out of his truck, he got a little flustered. It was cute. He stumbled over his words. He basically was asking me on a second date. We tentatively set up a date for the following evening. There was a football game on and we are both fans.

It was a good night. But like with most other dates I had been on I was going to need a second date to get a real feel for him. I also need that second date to get a handle on my own feelings.

j.

Enter J. She nervously scans the room looking for her date. The pub is rather empty. Only a few patrons sip drinks and nibble on snacks. They look J's way as she makes her way across the room to a table in the open. She takes one last scan of the pub to make sure she didn't miss him somewhere. Satisfied that he is nowhere in the building, she takes a seat and checks the time. She is early, like usual.

Enter the Musician. He stops near the entrance to read the specials board. He does this so he does not appear too eager. He hesitantly makes his way to the main bar. He notices J almost instantly. He takes confident strides towards the table. Halfway there he gives a little wave and issues a greeting.

The Musician: Hi J. have you been waiting long?

J: Hi ya. No, I just got here. You have good timing.

The Musician: Good. I would hate to keep you waiting.

Cue conversation. Topics covered include, but are not limited to, travel, books, a lengthy discussion on movies, work, the benefits and downfalls of online dating, family, and life on the road. The conversation is easy and comfortable. Both are relaxed and at ease with each other. J is somewhat more talkative as the Musician is a tad more reserved. After two hours, a lull in the conversation occurs.

J: What time is it?

The Musician: Just after 9.

J: Well I should probably be going sometime soon. It is a school night after all.

The Musician: I completely understand. (Pause) Well, I am not sure about you but I am definitely interested.

J is a bit shocked as she has never encountered a man this straight forward and to the point. However, she covers the shock well and replies.

J: Well we will have to get together again sometime soon. You have my number right?

The Musician: Ummm, no. You have mine though.

J, determined that she will not chase him, pulls out a pen and business card from her purse. She writes her home number on the back and slides it across the table.

J: There you go give me a call sometime.

The Musician: I definitely will.

Cue the usual goodbye, it was nice to meet you banter. J confidently exits the establishment and heads to her car. On the drive home she is lost in thought. She is impressed. However, she is still unsure. She is not sure what dating a musician would entail. She is concerned about the fact that he plays most weekends. The only conclusion reached is, if he calls and asks, she will go on a second date.

Cue TO BE CONTINUED sign...

j.

There seems to be a new cast of characters in the drama that is my life. A brief introduction:

The Musician: 38. Deep-set, intelligent, and inviting eyes. Bald. Medium height. Looks like he gives great hugs, you know the kind that almost crush you? First date was this evening. Screenplay forthcoming.

The Lawyer: 35. Bright blue eyes. Short brown hair. Tallish. Great smile. Witty and intelligent. Perhaps out of my league. First date scheduled for Saturday afternoon.

The Welder: 31. Sparkly blue eyes. Glasses. Short hair. Smart ass. Thoughtful. The most similar to me in terms of likes and dislikes. First date scheduled for Friday evening.

Extras: G, RNG, S, and other random players.

So grab some popcorn and get ready for a show...

He is back. Back in town, this time not just for a week but for five weeks. Of course, I started to get my hopes up and then reality came by and slapped me. I moped around for most to the weekend. I alternated sad and lonely with angry and annoyed.

On Wednesday I had enough. I was tired of the tears. Tired of waiting around. Tired of being a convenience. So I packed up my car and left town. I wasn't going to let him disappoint me. Instead, I was going to leave before he could let me down.

I arrived at my parents relieved. Relieved that I was away for a few days. Relieved that mom had tasks to keep me busy. Relieved that I wouldn't be back in the city till he was almost due to leave. I would return and then he would leave for a week. With this arrangement I had no reason to feel let down. Perfect.

That is, till he sent me a text asking me to go to a movie that afternoon. How dare he actually follow through when I left town! Figures it would work out this way. But we made plans for when I got back.

I did not have any expectations. I figured that he would have some excuse come Friday to cancel. I was shocked when he followed through. So we had out first official date....outside of the bedroom that is. It was full of awkwardness. As first dates sometimes are...

And then as I exited his vehicle, after he declined the invitation to come inside, he says:

"What I don't get any sugar?"

So I give him a quick kiss and say, "That is what you are supposed to come in for..."

I turned and walked away and didn't look back...

j.

Something is wrong with me. No, not emotionally....we all know of the issues there, just have a look at the archives if you are in doubt. Something is physically wrong with me.

It started this past Wednesday. I woke up in the middle of the night in pain. I sat up in bed not sure what to do. The tears were silently sliding down my cheeks. I clutched my stomach, doubled over and rocked hoping the pain would slip away into the night. It didn't. So I got up and went to the bathroom. I found a bit of relief but the pain was still there. I woke up 2 more times that night.

I went to work the next day and thought I was ok. Just tired from the frequent trips to the bathroom the night before. I ate very little that day.

Thursday, I was ok for the most part. I watched what I ate as my tummy was still a little fussy.
Friday, was not so great. I went for lunch with my parents. Two hours later I was in pain and had to rush to the toilet.

Saturday. I didn't eat much all day and seemed to be fine. Then I had supper. Then chocolate cake. (Ok maybe I pushed it with the cake). Two hours pass. Cue the cramping and abdominal pain. In the toilet again.

Sunday, today. I was scared to eat. But I ate lunch and two hours later I was hurting and back in the toilet. I wasn't going to have supper but my friend encouraged me to try something. They knew I wasn't getting much for nourishment. Two hours. Pain. Toilet. See the pattern?

I am scared. And tired. Scared to eat. Tired of this pattern. Scared to go to the doctor.

Come Tuesday, (Monday is a holiday here) I will make an appointment. Till then I am going to stick to ginger ale, soda crackers, and dry toast. One more day.

Sigh. As if I didn't have enough drama in my life without adding an illness to the list.

j.

Party of one.

A bottle of wine.

And don't forget the biggest piece of chocolate cake ever known to man.

There will be no conversation. There will be no awkward silence.

However, there may be a tear or two. And there will definitely be a sigh or four.

It will be lonely. It will be depressing. And most definitely it will be pathetic.

But what else do expect from a pity party?

j.

I was having a rough day. One co-worker asked how I was, I replied OK. A few minutes later a balled up neon yellow post it note comes flying over the cubicle wall...



I love my job. I love my new co-workers.

j.