more than intermittent

I don't think it is a stretch to expect a date from someone you met on an online dating site. I had assumed that our correspondence would lead to a date. I wasn't expecting anything more than that. If it ended in friendship great...if something more came of it fantastic. And it has not always been about what I want or what I am looking for. What you want and what you are looking for also plays a part in this. I suppose this could have been cleared up earlier with a simple discussion about what each of us was looking for.

That all said...it is now clear that you are looking for friends. I am completely cool with that. You can never have too many friends. So if you would like to continue talking and establish a friendship despite this miscommunication that would be great.

Take care,
J.

Yes [your friend] and I have been out a couple of times but from the get go I was under the impression that you and I would get to know one another as friends first and foremost? I apologize if I gave the wrong impression about anything more than just friends. You are a great lady, yet I hardly know you and I would definitely like to continue to get to know you. Its kind of strange but I find I can be closer friends with the opposite sex, I have many female friends and all of them just friends, don't know if it is because I am non-threatening or something else.

Jen, it is up to you as it always has been about what you want or what you are looking for? If you are looking for someone new to chat with, hang out every once in awhile I am definitely up for that, if you are looking for more sorry but I can't give that.

Take Care of yourself J,
IT Guy

Bah!

At first I felt like an idiot. Then I realized that he is throwing this back in my face. Every time I read this I get a little more pissed off. He is so damned patronizing that it makes me want to puke. Excuse me for thinking that correspondence initiated on an online dating site would lead to a date. Is it really that much of a stretch to think that someone you met on a site designed specifically to facilitate dating would end up as more than a friend? Or am I completely out to lunch? Give me a fucking break!

I don't think this even deserves a response. Stupid boys. Hmmppff.

j.

My blog turned 2 the other day. I meant to have this big meaningful post but it never materialized.

I always have high hopes for my writing. The words swim around in my mind waiting to be formed into neat and elegant sentences. Usually they just end up on the floor in a jumbled cliche. Sometimes, I will spend hours trying to craft the perfect post but it usually ends up crumpled and tossed in the trash. I am such a perfectionist with my writing. Actually that is not completely true, I usually end up posting whatever, otherwise there would never be anything for you to read.

When I started this blog, I thought it would be filled with witty insights about the world around us. A running commentary on the issues. However, it has seemed to evolve into a place for me to record the trial and tribulations of my life. Specifically, of my dating life. It has become my sounding board for life.

I initially named the blog in hopes that I was capable of more than sporadic posts. However, over the last two years the name has taken on a new meaning. To me, it aptly describes my goals. I want to be more than intermittent...in all areas of my life.

j.

IT Guy and my friend have gone on another date. Odd, considering she said she wasn't interested in him.

We have been emailing for over a month. And not just quick 5 line emails. Long thoughtful, intelligent, and witty emails. The only reason that we have not had an official date is because I have been busy with work. Not to mention that I have been out of the country for the last 10 days. Bad timing.

In trying to analyze the situation, I turned to IT Guy's motivations. Initially I was pissed that he would go ask out another girl, but then realized that he has every right. Dating means playing the field. I do the same, so why can't he?

I am annoyed at the situation. I finally get excited about someone again and then it all goes down the toilet just because this city is so damn small. No one has done any wrong. It is just a stupid coincidence.

The potential for drama is high. While it may appear that I thrive on drama, I would rather avoid it. Therefore, I have decided to send him a thanks but no thanks email and gracefully remove myself from the situation.

Sigh.

j.

Yesterday, during a marathon phone conversation with one of my closest friends she revealed a bit information that confirmed a thought that I have had for a while now.

Back in the middle of October we re-connected with a male friend that we had lost touch with. The three of us went for burgers and beers and had a good conversation. He was the one that commented that he thought I would have a boyfriend by now. He was also invited to my birthday party. And he was the one that dropped me at the airport on my way to Germany.

So my friend mentioned that she had drinks with him last Friday. Then she says, with a slight giggle, so he dropped you off at the airport, did he pick you up too? I said no. She then says that he would kill her if he knew she was going to tell me this. By this point, I knew exactly what she was going to say. He likes me. And if it wasn't for the fact that I perhaps want children someday that he would be pursuing me.

I told her that I knew this. I knew from the burger and beer night. He looks at me differently. And when he exited the scene of my birthday party, I gave him a big hug and he was a little startled but receptive. I knew this but I never said anything because I never thought I was his type.

He is an amazing man. Funny, smart, sensitive, driven, among other things. But he has 3 kids and does not want more. And that is why we would never be a match. If I am completely honest, I did, way back when, consider him as a potential match. But the kids issue is a huge roadblock.

However, it is nice to know that a quality male thinks that I am a good catch. If nothing else, it is a huge ego boost.

j.

Pros:

*Really nice chocolate.

*The beer is good. And because of the purity laws it means that there no preservatives which reduces the after effects of over indulgence. Yes, I tested this theory.

*The men are tall ,broad shouldered, and dress well. Ok, maybe not all of them but I had plenty to look at.

*Shoes. Lots of shoes.

*2 words: duty-free.

*Work picked up the tab.

*The swanky hotel at the end of the trip.


Cons

*Fizzy water. It is difficult to find non carbonated water at times.

*Internet access in the hotels is expensive.

*The Christmas market open the week after I leave.

*Not being able to do any sightseeing in daylight.

*The child sat behind me on the flight home was a brat. She kicked my seat and cried/whined a lot.

All in all it was a good trip. But I am glad to be home and sleeping in my own bed.

j.

Before I left Canada, work gave me a Blackberry for use on this trip. So far the only thing I have used it for is to keep tabs on my work email and message G via Facebook. Last night, I was having an interesting conversation with him.

We were discussing my German experiences thus far…my purchases, the price of beer, and all the very tall people. The conversation then somehow turned to him coming to Germany, drinking lots of beer and finding some nice German girls. At this point, I turned 3 shades of green. The jealousy started in my toes, climbed up my legs, swirled in my stomach before moving to my chest, reaching out and squeezing the life out of my heart and lungs. It stopped there and let me suffer.

Jealousy has always been my weakness. I do not like to share in relationships. In past relationships I would seethe under the surface. Never, letting on that the green-eyed monster was getting the best of me. Jealousy is not an attractive quality. Therefore, I suppressed it. Raged on the inside and eventually let it go or let it explode from within.

And after I ended the conversation, I lay in my bed thinking about him. About our relationship, or lack o f relationship. About how as each day passes, I miss him a little more. About how, I somehow seem to be falling for a guy who has been little more than a friend with benefits. About how, lately I have been unable to detach emotionally from the situation.

Am I in too deep? Probably. I am not sure how much longer I can do this. I have no claim over him…I have no right to be jealous. And I think that is what makes it hurt just a little more than it should.

Cause I'm jealous, jealous again
Thought it time I let you in
Yeah, I'm jealous, jealous again

j.

You would be proud. I bought two pairs of boots yesterday.

One pair is shiny and red. Very flashy. The others have a tinge of burgundy and are classy and unique.

Now, I have 3 pairs of red shoes in my suitcase. I also have a new philosophy in regards to traveling and red shoes. If you leave the red shoes at home, go buy new ones!

j.

KJ was my rebound guy. He was the first after M. We didn’t date. Instead we opted for late night rendezvous where clothing was optional and red wine was a must. We carried on this way for almost a year, meeting on a semi-regular basis.

I was happy with the arrangement. I was just out of a two year relationship and he was a year out of a bad marriage. Neither of us wanted or needed a commitment. It was good. But then there were the nights that he had to go and ruin it…like when he told me about his ex-wife. How he walked in one her with another man. I was not prepared for that openness. We were having sex, not sharing our life stories.

Towards the end of that year, he phoned me one night with some news. I hadn’t heard from him in a few weeks, so I suppose it wasn’t that surprising that he called. He told me that he couldn’t see me anymore because he was dating someone. I said thank you for letting me know and left it at that. I was all business. I know he felt awkward but I knew that this would happen eventually. I had to leave the emotion out of this situation. I did appreciate his call. He could have just disappeared like so many others have done, but he stepped up and was a man about it.

About a week and a half later, my phone rang in the middle of the night. It was KJ. He had been drinking and was lonely. He wanted some comfort. I was a tad confused, as I thought he was seeing someone. So I asked. He sheepishly said yes, but she was still living in another city. I explained to him that this was not a good idea, that if I came over that he would regret it the next day. He practically begged but I remained firm. It was perhaps one of my strongest moments. I apologized, told him I was flattered, but I decline and that someday he would thank me. I never heard from him again. That was over two years ago.

He came to mind the other day for some reason. I wondered if he was still in the city, how he was doing, if he was married again. I had a fleeting thought if he would be in Germany at the same time as past of my trip is being spent at a huge agricultural fair and that is the sector he works in. I just laughed it off.

So imagine my surprise when KJ walks up and takes a place in line behind me as I was checking in for my flight. He only went as far as the first connection. I do know that he saw me and he recognized me. We didn’t talk, we just exchanged knowing glances. It is easier that way. Our affair was never public, and it will remain that way.

j.

Did I pack enough underwear? Do I really need to take the red shoes? I don't speak German, oh god, I should have studied some German! Did I remember to print out my itinerary? I must remember to take out the garbage. Oh and I should run the dishwasher and clean out the fridge.

Questions, thoughts, worries, and more questions swirled through my mind. I tossed and turned. And turned and tossed. I know I drifted off at around 3 am. I shouldn't be worried. I have traveled before. This in comparison to some of my travels is a pretty cushy trip. 4 star hotels. Cabs instead of public transport. No backpacks and hippie wear this time around. Instead I am dealing with suits and wheelie suitcases.

I think the nerves are a product of this being work related. I have traveled for work before, but not on this scale. I am sure I will blow them away. I wouldn't be going if they didn't have confidence in me. I just hope I don't regret taking the red heels out of my suitcase this morning...

j.

Gonna ramble on, sing my song

There have been a few posts bubbling up from inside, just bursting to be let out. I feel like I have so much to say but no words to say it. Tonight, I am trying to find those words.

This past week has been difficult. I have been dealing with bureaucratic bullshit, academic achievements, office politics, social commitments, unexpected illness, and last minute scrambling. Looking back, the week is a blur....wait, make that the last two weeks are a blur. I have been running non-stop. Not to mention, my over active brain that has been pondering relationships, friendships, and the purpose of life.

Gotta keep-a-searchin for my baby...

G was home last week. I was excited to see him. But then, as usual, he disappointed me. Actually, I am not sure that is a fair statement. I ended up disappointed because I had high expectations. Why? Because...well because I realized that he has been the one constant in my life. Constant in the most inconsistent way. I know I should move one. Get out before I get in too deep. But, I just can't seem to let him go. Some day it will all come to a head. It will either blow up in my face (highly probable) or I will live happily ever after (highly unlikely). One thing is for sure, I like him. And as much as he frustrates me, I am not ready to give up on him.

Gonna work my way, round the world

They were bugging me at work that I should look for a husband while I am in Germany. They figure that I will find a strapping German fellow named Dieter. If only it were that simple.

I cant stop this feelin in my heart

The Salesman has all but disappeared. Granted, I have not tried to contact him. He has my number. I am obviously not that bothered as I could care less if he never talk to him.

Gotta keep searchin for my baby

I have been participating in regular correspondence with IT Guy. His emails are thoughtful and entertaining. A close friend was asked to lunch by him. My city is small. The only reason we made the connection is there are very few guys with his first name that work at his company in this city. She isn't interested in him, even though she did go for the lunch. I hate when people lie about their true intentions.

I cant find my bluebird

A close friend has disappointed me. I have called him twice in the last week to try and arrange a get together. We hardly get to see each other as he works overseas for half the year. he hasn't returned my calls. I try really hard to make time for him. But, it annoys, upsets, and disappoints me when he doesn't try. And the few times that I have seen him at group functions, he seems distant and distracted. I can feel him pulling away from me. Or maybe his lack of effort has made me start to pull away.

I'd listen to my bluebird sing but I cant find my blue bird

I was thinking that this search for a partner/lover/companion is futile. Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier to be on my own. I know I don't need someone. I want someone to share my life with. To share all the great experiences with. But I am not one to give up....so I will continue the journey. I do hope that I reach the destination soon.

A-keep-a ramblin baby...

j.

I met the Salesman at a sports bar that is close to his store. Salesman is in fact the manager of the store, and from what I can tell is quite successful. I was a tad nervous about meeting him at this particular establishment because it was the venue where I was stood up back in the spring. But I pushed through the nerves.

Salesman was there at the appointed time and genuinely pleased to meet me. This was his first time trying the online route. However, he seemed to take it all in stride. We chatted over a beer before heading to the game.

At the stadium, there was a particularly awkward moment. His family have season tickets and of course we ran into them almost as soon as we got there. I was half introduced, as in these are my cousins and these are my aunts. I just stood there holding my beer trying to act casual. I am not sure if I pulled it off.

The game itself was underwhelming. Our team played like crap, which was wholly disappointing. The company was enjoyable. There was some banter and plenty of laughter.

Overall, the date was good. However, I am not excited about this one. It is one of those I could take it or leave it deals. I guess the thing that put everything in check was the fact that, once I got home, had a bite to eat, and thawed out, I found a message from IT Guy waiting in my inbox. After I had read it I was grinning from ear to ear....that message made me smile more than the date that I had just been on.

I am not writing off Salesman. I just seem to be a little more enamoured with IT Guy at the moment.

j.

I activated my online dating profile again. I am not sure why. I just did.

There is a very small pool of men on this particular site. Ok, ok, there are plenty of men, the pool of quality men is small. Despite this I have managed to strike up conversations with two very interesting men.

The first is IT Guy. We have emailing back and forth for about 2 weeks now. I am rather enjoying the correspondence. Neither of us has broached the subject of meeting just yet. This is partially because we both know how busy I am these days. I imagine that once I return from Germany a meeting will be in the cards.

The second is Salesman. He is new to the online dating scene. We have been corresponding for about a week. So I was a little surprised, when I checked my messages this morning and found an invitation from him to go to the football game tomorrow afternoon. Now, I should be studying tomorrow, but who can say no to football? That and the library is closed due to a strike at the University....so I have a built in excuse (no one needs to know that I have half the library stacked up on my kitchen table). So we have a date tomorrow.

Looks like I am back in the dating game...

j.