more than intermittent

I am weak. I have no will power. One expression of sentiment and I melt into his arms. I am not going to be able to quit this habit easily.

j.

I complain about being single but it is my own choice. I can name three guys possibly four that would date me in a heartbeat.

There is S. I dated him for three months in the summer of 2006. He is a nice guy but...but he is not right for me. While he is cute, funny, and caring he is also cheap and not on the same intellectual playing field as me. I ended it and we remain friends. Except it is one of those distant friendships because I know that he still wants to be more than friends. I know this because every time I talk to him he tells me how amazing and special I am. Oh and in a recent conversation he said that he wished he had someone special like me to spend New Year's with. I know I could have him but I don't want him.

There is the male friend. He is intelligent, witty, and handsome. But he has three kids...from three different women. I know he is past his playboy days and I also know he is past his procreation days. I think I want kids. And knowing that he does not automatically rules him out.
He also knows this and hence the reason he has not pursued me.

And there is the other male friend. I met him just after J tore my heart and self esteem to shreds. There was a point that I thought we would end up as more than friends but the moment passed. And then I realized that he annoyed me after about two hours in the same room. I liked him better as a friend. Given the regular compliments and his reaction when he finds out I have been on dates I am 99.9% sure that he would date me.

The fourth? Another male friend. He is taken...so I shouldn't even include him on this list. But if circumstances had been different when we first met I can almost guarantee that we would have dated.

I find it a bit comforting and flattering that someone out there would want me. But I don't want them...I want the right one. The one. That elusive one.

j.

Christmas again. Too much food. Too much drink. You know, the usual.

This year my family forewent the usual gift exchange. I always have a hard time buying gifts for my brothers and parents so I was more than relieved when the no gift rule was invoked.

So instead I bought myself a snazzy new camera. And later this week I might go buy something pretty just because I can.

All in all it was a good Christmas. Happy holidays all!

j.

I wanted to talk to him before the holidays. But I have had engagements to attend and he...well he was off doing god knows what. I am beginning to wonder if I will even see him while he is home. I feel like he is avoiding me. Like he has somehow infiltrated my thoughts and therefore knows that I have switched from that cool, aloof, mysterious chick to the clingy, paranoid, weepy girl.

This situation has occupied my thoughts for months now. I have said a million times that I need resolution. I have said that I will talk to him and give him the choice....more or it ends. But now, I am not so sure that I even want to give him that choice. Maybe I should just tell him that it is over.

I will probably change my mind a million times in the next few days. But all I know is that after the holidays, I have to talk to him. And if he avoids me then I have my answer...

j.

Somewhere between helping my brother move and going to bed Monday night, I got it in my head that I am just another girl that G is fucking. That I am not special. That I am just one of many girls he has on the line.

Blame facebook. Blame my over active imagination. Blame the lack of a real relationship. Blame my past hurts. Blame my insecurities. Blame whatever you like but somehow this thought ended up implanted in my brain.

I lied. I told him I had family issues come up and that I was not in the right frame of mind to meet someone new. I did not mention rescheduling. I should have known better than to accept the date in the first place.

I have gone off dating again. I am tired of the games, of the pretenses, of everything. I am tired of fooling myself into thinking that I am OK having a pseudo relationship. I am tired of ignoring the feelings that are developing.

I need resolution. I need clarity. I need to stop lying to myself. I need to stop being scared of taking a chance. And above all I need to be prepared to walk away.

j.

The other day I started talking to this fellow from the online dating site. He was interesting enough. Not OH MY GOD exciting or anything. But interesting enough to contemplate a date.
Tonight he asked me out. I accepted. So Tuesday we have a date scheduled.

We continued to chat a bit. And it just got progressively weirder. He told me how he has ADD. And how he doesn't drink because he is on medication for the ADD and also for depression. And then I realized that he had sent me not one but two emails during the course of the day. He was starting to sound stalkerish.

If that wasn't enough, he changed his picture on msn and well....it was not the most flattering. And I am now of the mind that I will not like him. I think the picture he had on the dating site was the most flattering he has (understandable) and it is perhaps a bit dated. I feel horrible. Horrible for judging the guy before I have even met him. I feel so vain. But...

But, I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me that it will be a waste of time. That, I may be better off canceling. Sigh. I should just give up on this online dating crap. I should deal with G, MD, and B (yes, he is still hanging around) before I start anything else.

Would it be wrong if I told him a little white lie? Something about family obligations coming up and bad timing and and and....is that wrong? I suppose it would be better than not canceling, having a horrible time, and then having to avoid him.

j.

I was disappointed again today. This time, however, it was close friends that were the offenders. this is not the first time it has happened. But this is the last straw. You know the one that broke the camel's back? Yes, that one.

They planned to have a party tonight. A Christmas get together, as they are off to Mexico for the holidays. I have to admit that I was skeptical but I planned to go. I called them last night to confirm and double check the start time. It was all a go. And then this morning the female half of the couple calls and tells me that they have to cancel because I was the only one that confirmed attendance. At this point you would think that she would suggest dinner out or a drink....just the three of us, to catch up. Nope. She does however, say that the other half suggested that he and I go for lunch next week. And if I am up for that I should call him. He is supposed to be one of my best friends, one of my confidantes...and he has to have his girlfriend tell me that the two of us should go for lunch? Did he injure his dialing finger?

I do understand that they are busy people. He works overseas half the year therefore his time at home is limited. I will drop everything for him on occasion. But I am tired of constantly being the one that gives. The one that calls. The one that chases. I do not even tolerate this behaviour from someone I am dating...why would I expect any different from my friends?

It hurts a little more though. These are people that I depend on. They are the ones that are supposed to exhibit model behaviour. I shouldn't constantly be disappointed by them. Or are my expectations too high?

j.

Should I be worried that someone from the Pentagon visits my blog regularly? Who are you?

We had just sat down, I was busying myself with the cream and sugar and he launched into conversation. And then my phone beeped. And I knew it was G. I hadn't heard much from him over the last week and then as soon as I am out with a friend he decides to text me. Typical.

My friend looked at me with raised eyebrows and asked "you going to get that?" I stumbled over my words trying to explain that it could wait, trying not to appear flustered. And my friend's face softened into a smile and said its alright, go ahead. So I fished around in my bag and pulled out my phone. Sure enough it was G. I almost flipped the phone closed without reading the message but curiosity got the best of me.

G had just been in an accident. My heart fell into my stomach. Questions swirled around in my mind. I was worried. But I had a friend in front of me that I had to concentrate on. So I closed the phone and returned to the conversation. Before I knew it I was in deep conversation. Spending time with my friend was good and much needed. But G still floated in out of my mind the whole time.

At the conclusion of the evening, I replied to G's message asking if he was alright. He was in one piece, just shook up. I sympathized and asked what happened. And then the phone rang. He called me. He rarely calls me, unless he is in the city. But he needed to hear a friendly voice. I could tell he was shaken. As he recounted the events of his evening, I couldn't help but think that he was lucky to be alive.

And now I sit here, pondering my relationship with him. I care about him. How could I not? I have been sleeping with the guy for a year. Attachment was bound to develop. But there is also a great deal of uncertainty there. How have I managed to let my emotions so wrapped up in this situation?

I know how. He...he looks at me and I melt. Those eyes. Those baby blue eyes that sparkle with mischief. Those eyes that see right through me. Despite all the inconsistencies and uncertainties he is my safety. So the door continues to be open to him. Sometimes I think I should close it and walk away. But I can't. I can't because when I look in those eyes I suffer from acute memory loss.

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,
No, I don't wanna wait forever

j.

I spent all weekend writing the final paper for my class. It is, in my opinion, the biggest pile of crap that I have ever managed to produce. I have little to no confidence in this paper. I know that I am my own worst critic but this time I am truly worried.

I have written so much in the last 72 hours that I don't even feel like finishing this post...

j.