more than intermittent

I was staring out my office window at the clock tower watching the dark grey clouds roll in from the west. A slight turn of the head had me looking east at bright blue sunny skies. Over the next twenty minutes the cheerful blue was engulfed by dark grey. And shortly thereafter it started to snow. Two hours later the sky, in all directions, was bright with puffy wisps of clouds floating around bumping into each other. And then as the day wore on the grey once again swallowed the blue.

As I monitored the weather that day, it struck me that the constant changes were reflective of my moods. One minute I am bright and sunny and the next I am dull, grey, and slightly volatile. I know that stress is a major player in my mood swings. I have been dealing with an overloaded plate lately.

There is work. I am busy from the moment I walk through the door till the moment I leave. I have been pulled into some very interesting and high profile (and highly classified) projects. All of this is on top of the regular work that I am expected to do.

And then there is grad school. I am three weeks away from finishing my second course. I have been stressing about the completion of my final paper for this class. And like usual I think that the work that I have done on it is complete and utter crap.

And the boys. As you may have noticed I have not been on a date in months and months. This is not stressing me out. In fact it has been a nice change of pace. However, G still exists and is on the radar. What does stress me out is the worry that I will be alone forever. I know it is irrational. I will never be completely alone because I have some pretty fantastic people in my life.

And the health concerns. I know that I am blowing this all out of proportion but there have been a few issues that have caused me to worry. I have seen the doctor and believe that it is sorted but I am still a little uneasy. I have also had some major self-esteem body issues the last little while. To combat that I have returned to the regular gym routine. This is also helping with the other health issues that sent me into a tizzy.

I know the turbulent weather changes will pass. I know that I will level out eventually. Cross your fingers that sunny skies are in the long term forecast.

j.

It is never easy to let go of relationships. Especially friendships. I have been struggling with one of my friendships. The frustration has been building since just before Christmas. I thought things would improve after the holidays but they haven't. They have gotten worse.

I am not a demanding friend in terms of time. I, of all people, am more than understanding about hectic schedules. I am constantly juggling work, school, social engagements, and the mundane tasks of life. If I so choose, I could be busy every night of the week. And that is not including the time that I need to spend on my course work. However, I do a decent job of balancing work, school and social functions. I know when I need to make time for those important people in my life. I know that I don`t have to accept every invitation. I also know that I have no reason to hide my schedule from my friends. If they ask me my plans and I am busy I tell them. If I am going out with someone else I don`t hide it. And I expect understanding. understanding that during the really crazy times you may have to book time with me a week in advance.

The friends in question, have not been holding up their end of the bargain. There have been numerous we shoulds and I will call yous but no follow through. I know they are busy people. But I also know that they have made time for other social engagements. Other social engagements that they feel they have to hide from me.

I don't expect to be invited to every function. I have numerous circles of friends and realize that they do not always mix. Or that you may want to spend quality time with just one or two. I am not a jealous friend.

What I am is a friend that expects some effort. An effort to make time for me. I am not seeing that effort in these friends. What I am seeing is last minute thoughts of me. And then when those thoughts go unaccepted, I am getting a guilt trip.

So as much as I hate to admit it, I am letting go. If they want to salvage this friendship they are going to have to make the effort. I am done expending energy and not getting anything in return.

j.

The last time I saw him there was an incident. An incident that caused me to throw up barriers of all sorts. I was scared. Not only of telling him my fears and seeing me vulnerable but of so much more...scared of...of things that could be so much bigger than the situation between the two of us.

So he poked and prodded until I sprung a leak. I rolled over to hide from him, so he wouldn't see the tears. But there was no hiding from him this time. And some of those fears came out. He got to see me vulnerable. I think it was the first time that he saw some emotion. And he calmed me down and stayed with me till I was on the verge of sleep.

The next day he checked in with me and was greeted with little more than pessimism. He tried to cheer me up but despite his best efforts I remained in a state of grey. My mood lifted at the end of the day, which also happened to be the end of the work week. Drinks, food, and more drinks washed my worries away.

It was the day after that, that he shocked me. A simple text stating that he had a gift for me set my head spinning. A gift? He has never bought me a gift. We have not observed holidays or birthdays. His explanation was that he wanted to cheer me up and he saw this and thought of me. I know what the gift is, even though I don't have it in my possession. It is thoughtful.

I am muddled and confused. Just when I think I have a handle on the situation another a wrench appears. It shouldn't be this difficult.

j.

I was born on a Tuesday.

I was a dancer through my childhood and teenage years. I was never the star. But my flair for dramatics and perfectionism helped me navigate through a multitude of classes, recitals and ballet exams. I would lose myself in the movement. Gliding, dipping, and spinning from one end of the room to the other. I rarely forgot the steps and if I did my knack choreography and improv came to the rescue. Not once in those years of dancing did I fall, especially when I was in front of admiring eyes.

My years of dancing are tucked away in my memory bank. I am grateful that I was able to know those years of grace and skill. I still remember the steps. I know that if I decided to return to dancing the moves would come back quickly and effortlessly. That is, if I could manage to stay on my feet.

I have, in more recent years, developed a knack for falling at inopportune moments. There was the time that I stood up from my chair at work and promptly fell flat on my face. I am not sure what I tripped on...air perhaps. But I ended up in a heap on the floor in front of my co-workers. I even managed to tear a huge hole in my tights and mangle my knee and palm.

Speaking of chairs, there was the time that I sat down in on of those rolly office chairs and the two front legs snapped off launching me head first into the supply cupboard. I sustained not only knee scrapes but a bump on the head as well.

Not all of my spills involve chairs. This summer a colleague and I were walking back from the coffee shop when I commented on how uneven the sidewalk was. Not even a second letter I was doing a modified ninja roll to save not only my coffee but also my pride.

My most recent exhibition of grace was a few weeks ago. I was exiting my office building with my colleagues, yammering away about weekend plans. The next thing I know I am on the ground. My foot had turned sideways and I tumbled to the ground with a thud. No ice in site, just dry dusty concrete. And I fell. One minute I was upright, the next I was on my ass. Of course, my co-workers came to my aid ensuring I was alright. Once I was upright again, they burst out laughing.

Yup, I was born on a Tuesday.

j.

Some lovely bloggers, Sarah, Peach, Ariel, Ms R, and Vi have come up with this fantastic idea to put together a book written by bloggers. Here is where you come in:

We would like you to submit (to bloggersforcharity@yahoo.co.uk) a written piece about something you've been through from any aspect of your life that you want to share. It can literally be about anything: your relationships, your past, a road not taken, being a parent, an illness, or your regrets, etc. We've called it You're Not The Only One to reflect the camaraderie of blogging.

Proceeds will go to War Child, and blatantly following in the same fashion as Shaggy Blog Stories, we will be publishing it through lulu.com. This is a no upfront fee Internet publishing site that will take $9.15 per book sold if we make it no longer than 200 pages. We're pricing the book at $17.50 so $8.37 will go to straight to the charity. Because the cost lulu.com takes increases according to how many pages we want published, we do have to stick to the 200 page limit so we can't guarantee you'll get your submission in for sure. The absolute maximum length for submission is 1500 words (but we’d rather not have too many at that length. In fact you may stand more chance if your piece is on the less wordy side).

The deadline for submissions is March 9th. I have already submitted a piece of writing...so go ahead and get yours in there too!

j.