more than intermittent

Every time I leave the house I glance up and down the crescent searching for my two favorite silhouettes. And in the past month I have been very disappointed. I have not seen Boy with dog since the morning he spoke to me.

So this morning I was not expecting to see him, even though I left a good 15 minutes earlier than usual. I was walking down the driveway in a cold medication haze, digging in my handbag for god knows what, when I practically ran into Boy with dog. He smiled and greeted me with a good morning. I blushed muttered a morning and a sorry for almost taking him out. I hung my head and shuffled the last few meters to my car.

Not exactly how I imagined our second encounter. Sigh. Next time...next time I will be calm, cool and collected.

j.

The timer said 2:30. The sweat was rolling down my face dripping of the tip of my nose. I grabbed the towel and mopped my brow. Then, I glanced over at the mats to see if there was one open. At that exact moment, they were all occupied. So I focused on the remainder of my sweat fest. When the screen flashed with my workout summary, I took another glance at the mats. The one second from the left was open. I hustled to wipe down my machine and snag that mat.

When I got to the mat there was a medicine ball on it so I rolled it to the side out of the way. I had just sat down and was gracefully mopping up the sweat when someone approached. I was still plugged in to my mp3 so at first I ignored him, thinking he was going to walk around the mat. But he didn't. He came and stood on the end of the mat, towering over me, glaring.

"I wasn't finished" he barked.

I gave him a strange look, mumbled a sorry, and vacated the premises. As I walked away I began to stew. By the time I reached my car I was seething. I wanted to walk back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

If you are not finished with the equipment at the gym do not walk away from it. Especially during the busiest hour of the day. Sigh. People annoy me sometimes.

j.

I wrote the final exam for my class on Wednesday night. It was one of those exams that you couldn't study for...read a case study, identify the issues and make a recommendation. I wasn't nervous. Ok, that isn't entirely true. I was a wee bit nervous because I had yet to learn the fate of the paper that I submitted the week before. The same paper that was worth 50% of my grade.

So I took a deep breath, settled into my seat, opened a blank word document on Mr. Laptop, and began. At the start of the exam was pretty quiet with only the occasional rustle of paper. We were all busy reading and digesting the case. After the 45 minute mark, the click clack of the keyboards started. It was a gentle lulling sound that faded into the background as our concentration on the task increased. And then out on no where came exaggerated click clack that an elephant typing a paper would produce. I looked across the aisle. Sure enough, there was fake nail lady stomping around on her keyboard as if the keys were held in place with super glue. This is the point where I wished I would have brought earplugs or headphones or a gun...

I managed to make it through the exam without maiming fake nail lady. It was tense though. Every time she would start to type you could see all heads turn in her direction. So as soon as I finished up my analysis I bolted out the door. I did stop to collect that paper though...the paper that I thought was the epitome of craptacular. Apparently, craptacular is worth 83%. Who knew?!?!

So as a reward I packed up and headed south of the border to do some much deserved shopping...

j.

Last Thursday I had a message on my machine from the organizer/coach of my mixed softball team. It took me till Saturday to return his call because I have been that busy. He wasn't around when I returned the call so he gave me a call back on Sunday.


I was knee deep in books and papers and slightly frustrated with the lack of progress I was making on my term paper. To add to the frustration the phone had not stopped ringing. So when I took his call I was not in the best of moods. I had assumed that he was calling to let me know when the season was going to start and to confirm that I was still on board.

After exchanging the usual niceties. He said, "J, I have some bad news."

"Oh?"

"Unfortunately, you will not be playing with the Team O this year."

"Uhh...umm..ok. Can I ask why?"

"Well, you seem to be upsetting the chemistry of the team."

"Obviously, you have a problem with me Coach Dick. What exactly is that problem?"

"I volunteer my time and all I get from you is disrespect. You tell me to fuck off, disregard my instructions, and just do what you want."

What the fuck?!? I told him to fuck off once. It was during the end of season tournament last year. For some reason no one took the position of third base when we took the field during the final inning. My friend C, said she would play there and took up the post. Coach Dick whipped around from his spot on the pitchers mound and said no you can't play there. C and I both said it was fine. He protested throwing a min tantrum that would rival a three year old that whines over not getting a new toy. But despite his protests, C ended up staying on third. Sure enough the first play of the inning was a grounder to third. C stopped the ball but missed the throw to first by half a foot meaning that the runner was safe. Coach Dick turned to me on second and said "Gee that worked out well didn't J?"

And I responded by telling him to fuck off. There have been plenty of guys on our team that play third and have screwed up that exact same play. That was the one and only time in the history of playing with the team for 4 years have I said those two words to him. And I fully admit that I do question his choices in batting order and position. But as I explained to him I only question decisions I don't understand. I have played enough ball to know what is a good call and what isn't. Putting all of the girls and the end of the batting order is not a wise choice. So when Coach Dick does it on a regular basis without explaining his rationale I am going to question it and suggest a change.

I also told him that I often felt disrespected and under valued as a team member. I am one of the regulars. I come out to every game. In fact, I am usually one of the first people to show up. I miss maybe one game a year. On the occasions that I have to be absent I give him at least 2 weeks notice. So when he tells me to go play right field when my strength is second base I feel slighted. This is especially the case when someone who comes out to one game is given the position of second. Apparently, commitment and loyalty to the team has no impact on Coach Dick.

He also told me that this has been brewing for a couple years. To which I inquired, why haven't you said something sooner? If I have been causing problems for a 'couple years' part of his job as a coach is to confront that and explain to me what the problem is and try find a solution. I am not so unreasonable that I am unaware of my own actions and behaviours. I pride myself on being a team player. If I am causing problems I will try to adjust my actions to ensure there is harmony.

There are at least four or five others on the team that are just as shocked with his decision as I am. It was these reactions that made it blatantly obvious that Coach Dick made this decision on his own without consulting the rest of the team. Oh but, being the kind considerate person that he is he wanted to let me know early so I could find another team. Because there are other teams looking for players. Well if I am such a problem who would want me on their team Coach Dick?

My friends and fellow team mates have told me not to take it personally. But man is that hard to do. I know I am not a bad person. I know I am not as much of a bitch as Coach Dick makes me out to be. I know that I am a team player, if I wasn't I would be playing with my ladies team and being courted by another. Coach Dick is obviously has his head up his own ass. But all that aside it still hurts to have someone tell you that you are a problem and aren't welcome to play with the other kids.

j.

He was getting up to leave. I remained immobile, curled up in a ball, facing the wall. The words were running through my head. My heart was pounding, filling up my chest making it hard to breathe. I had to say it. I couldn't go another three weeks with this weighing on my mind.

He came back to the bed, put one hand on either side and stared down at me. Normally I would look up at him and he would lean in and kiss me. But I was frozen. I couldn't move, I couldn't look at him.

"What?" he asked.

In response I buried my head in my pillow. He knew that I was hiding from him. He persisted. And then it all came tumbling out. A string of what is this what are we doing here and dont know where i stand with you spilled out of my mouth. I had a hard time articulating everything that I felt, instead I just vomited a jumble of thoughts and feelings at his feet. And in response all I got was a sigh followed by silence.

"Talk to me," I urged, "Do you have no thoughts on this?"

And he was sparse with his words. He did say that he liked me and he cares about me. He mumbled about feelings for me. And that he was sorry for making it confusing. He offered to take me out the next time he is home. A nice meal and a conversation with clothes on...and no sex. According to him, I was the one thing in his life that was going good. So in his mind it was a case of "if it ain't broke don't fix it."

I finally managed to say the words that have been festering inside me. I had thought it would bring me resolution. But I am still confused. I don't think there is a definite resolution. But at least I have been able to say what I have wanted to say for months. And even if I have opened a can of worms, at least I can be proud that I had the courage to take that first step.

This is twice now that I have cried in front of him. I commented on it. And he just pulled me close, kissed my forehead and said "And this is twice that I haven't ran away."

j.