She prefaced her words with the disclaimer that while she has had similar experiences, she hasn't been in my exact position. She acknowledged that I am the only one who knows the situation intimately. She was also quick to add that no matter what she would support me and be there if I needed to talk. That is why I love A, that is why I trust her.
To her it appears that I have a great big bundle of emotions attached to the situation. She can see love. A love that I am hesitant to admit to, even to myself.
A said that I am a good person for putting his needs ahead of mine. She acknowledged that he needs a friend right now. She knows that I am not going to dump my frustrations on him while he is dealing with health issues. And she agreed with that decision. This is not the right time for me to air my emotions.
But in the next breath she told me that I need to stop doing this to myself. It is tearing me apart, breaking me down. She suggested that distance myself from him. She suggested that I be the friend that he needs right now but nothing more.
Her final words were that I deserve they very best. That he may not be a bad guy, and she doesn't believe that he is being hurtful on purpose. She doesn't want to see me hurting.
Everything that she said was everything that I have thought at one time or another. I just don't know what to do...
j.
Labels:
friends,
G
So I kept on driving. And when we reached our destination she made no move to exit the vehicle. We talked. There are very few people that know the saga of G and I. She is one of the few. One of the few I trust. She listened with patience and understanding. And in the end she offered some advice, that I didn't necessarily want to hear.
I spoke about how I put it all out there a few months ago but nothing has changed. I know that I can't expect it to change overnight. We have an established pattern that will take time and effort to modify. But, I am frustrated. Frustrated that I have been putting time and energy into a relationship that I can't even call a relationship. I have a pseudo-boyfriend. He hasn't told me that he wants me all for his own. He hasn't modified his behaviour to make me think that he wants more. So how does that leave me feeling? It leaves me feeling like I am not good enough to be his full fledged girlfriend.
She asked if I missed him when he was gone. Sometimes. No, that's not right. I miss him. I look forward to the days that he his home. And if I only get to see him for a few hours every month, that is better than not seeing him at all. But I was also quick to note that sometimes it is easier when he is away at work. Why? Because then I know there is a valid reason for him not to be with me. Distance is an acceptable reason in my mind.
And I spoke about how I feel that if I didn't try to make arrangements to see him when he is home that I would never see him. I understand that he is only home a week at a time and there is family and friends to see. But once, just once I would like to be a priority instead of last one on the list.
I talked about how it isn't all his fault. I was indifferent in the beginning. I never stuck up for my feelings. I just let it all go. I let him. How can expect someone to live up to my ideal when I never told them what that involves? And I didn't know what I wanted...and I still don't have a clear grasp on what I want.
And then she said, "Do you mind if I offer some advice? Some suggestions? I know it may not be what you want to hear and you don't have to do what I say. But I am you friend and this is what I am here for."
Through blurry eyes and gulps of air I mumbled a yes....
j.
Labels:
friends,
G
"So how is G?" she asked.
"It is weird..." I replied trailing off in the end.
And the tears started to well up in my eyes and they started to trickle out down my cheeks before I could stop them. Despite her urges to pull over, I kept driving. If I stopped I wasn't sure I would be able to contain the imminent flood.
****
G is experiencing a bumpy patch in the road. He is dealing with health issues as big as the big C. That alone is enough to send someone over the edge into despair. But on top of that mountain sits work issues. Not just the regular stresses like an extra big workload or control-freak managers but issues like layoffs and pay cuts. And as inconsequential as it may seem his hockey team is losing...adding insult to injury.
I have been supportive as I always am with any individual in my life. I care. I want to know that he is dealing with these bumps in the road and not just looking for the nearest rock to crawl under. I have made it known more than once that I am there for him. That he is welcome to call any time day or night to talk. I have effectively put myself on call.
This whole time I have been over accommodating. I have looked passed the mundane offences like messages not returned. I have put all my insecurities, questions, and issues to the side to focus on him. Because at this time he needs a friend not someone who creates more drama.
So when he was lower than low on Saturday, I offered to come over. He protested. I insisted because I have been there, in that spot where you feel like the whole world is against you. And even though you may not want company, a hug and a simple gesture of caring can is often just what you need to get you through the night. I went over just before midnight and spent the night. There was no sex. Just the comfort of warm bodies lying next to each other.
But two days later after a botched (I messed up on the day and time) attempt of catching a flick and an awkward half hour of shopping I left his company in a state. All those feelings of inadequacy and insecurity came bubbling up to the surface, not breaking through but testing the strength of my self-imposed censor. So that simple and innocent question caused me to spring a leak...
j.
Labels:
G
My oldest brother bought a house. My parent bought a condo. 2 of my co-workers and their significant others bought houses. And everyone else and there dog is looking at houses for purchase. Everyone except me.
I would love love love to purchase my own home. I just can't afford it. I could probably swing a mortgage payment on a cardboard box. But even that is debatable in this housing market. It is frustrating. I make a decent wage. But between grad school and my student loans from my undergrad I can't quite manage to scrape together a down payment. I know, I know, I could get a mortgage that included the down payment but then my monthly payment would be astronomical.
So instead I am moving in with my brother.
j.
Labels:
family,
life,
money
I was expecting disappointment. I am acclimatized to it. We are good friends, disappointment and I. My expectations have been circling around disappointment and heartache. I have been spending a vast amount of time hoping that he will step up and prove me wrong. Hoping, that I will be able to trust and love and give my everything to have the same given back in return. But despite the time I spend hoping I still remain cynical.
I have been sick so I was slightly depressed, more than a tad paranoid, and rather angsty which has only amplified my pessimistic mood. I was ready to completely give up. I was right back in that spot I have stood so many times prior to having that crucial conversation. I was leaning so far to the jaded and cynical side that I wasn't sure he would be able to pull me back to hopeful and romantic. But he did. He always seems to do that.
I still don't know where it will go. But he has shown that he is willing to put some effort into the dysfunction that is us. There is still a long way to go. But at least I have seen that he is trying to pull me close rather than push me away.
j.
Labels:
G
As I swung my legs out of bed I took care not to step on the mountain of snotty tissues that had accumulated over night. I really should put a garbage can by my bed. I made it halfway to the bathroom when the cough attacked. I doubled over hacking and wheezing till tears came to my eyes, I was red in the face, and could do no more than crumple in a heap on the floor. I just sat there, catching my breath, head in hands. I tear slipped out. I wanted to go to work. It would my the third day of absence. But after that episode I wasn't sure if I would be able to make the 4 blocks from my car to my office. So I carefully crawled back to my bed.
When I am sick I desperately crave attention and someone to dote on me. But I am too proud and too independent to ask for or illicit it. I want someone to make sure I have an endless supply of tissues, orange juice, chicken noodle soup, cough candies, and
DVD's. Someone who inquires on my well being, urges and ultimately drives me to the doctor. Someone to tuck the covers in around me, kiss my forehead and tell me it will be alright.
It is when I fall ill that I feel the most alone. Being sick, fending for myself, amplifies the feeling that there is a great big gaping hole in my life. A hole that someone needs to fill.
j.
Labels:
depressing,
love,
sickness
