I have been looking forward to today for months now. As your eyes devour these words I am behind the wheel of my car either belting out tunes or pondering the meaning of life. I expect that I will be about 4 hours off of my destination. I will be greeted with hugs and hellos from my parents, aunts, uncles and maybe some cousins (if they arrive before me). Then another hour later I will have a line in the water, watching the sun disappear behind the treetops. And even later I will sit by the fire watching the flames dance and listening to the idle chatter. And I will relax. All the stresses will melt away. See you in a week...
j.
Labels:
vacation
It is not cancer, which was the initial worry. But there is something. Something. A big unknown. He has to have more tests done. Not knowing is worse than having a big scary name to put to it. He is freaking out. He is an emotional mess. The health concerns are bringing all his wounds to the surface.
He opened up even more. He scared of being cheated on. It has happened to him 4 times. And 3 of those times were all in a row. He feels unlovable, like there is something wrong with him. And he is scared that I will do the same. It hasn't helped that his exes are now marrying their partners in infidelity. I explained that I have been in similar situations and I understand. He then told me that he has an A+ in picking the wrong girl. That hurt a little. I said that I like to think he picked a good one this time. And he agreed but really hopes I don't prove him wrong. I told him that I could never cheat...especially on him.
It felt good to have him open up. It feels good to have some answers. That funny feeling I had? It was validated. I knew there was something. I assumed it was bad. And while we are not completely out of the woods, it seems a little less scary.
j.
Labels:
fears,
G
I was right. Something was amiss. But it wasn't what I thought it was. It was/is something bigger than the mess that is our relationship. More later...
j.
Labels:
G,
health,
worry
Do you ever get a feeling in the pit of your stomach that something isn't quite right? That something may just blow up in your face? You know that unsettled feeling? That is how I have felt for the past three days.
Something isn't right. He is acting weird. Little things that I keep trying to tell myself is just my paranoia and past hurts haunting me. But something just isn't right. It seemed like we had a good night on Sunday. It seemed like we turned a corner but now...now I have this uneasy feeling that it is all going to go down the toliet.
The question is, do I leave it? Do I just let the feeling go? Do I continue to try to trust him? Do I walk away? Or do I throw my cards down on the table one last time? Finally tell him all or nothing? Stop giving him the benefit of the doubt and demand some answers? Or am I blowing this all out of proportion?
No matter what I do, I have a horrible feeling that the outcome may just break my heart.
j.
Labels:
fears,
G,
worry
Low. I was very very low on Saturday evening. During the day I was distracted with activities and completely fine. But as the sun sank into the earth I was dragged down as if attached by some imaginary string. Deep into darkness. Tears welling up in my eyes for no other reason than I was feeling sorry for myself.
I get like this now and then. Weepy and despondent. Unsocial and crabby. Its like the wait of the world just becomes too much and I start to crumble. Everything was just becoming a little too much. The impending move stresses, work stresses, friendship stresses, relationship stresses. Too many stresses. I know that I could have called someone, anyone to do something but I think I just needed to be sad for a night. Get it out of my system.
Sunday dawned and I felt a bit better. I attacked a list of chores. Keeping busy is my way of dealing. I put things order around the house. Order gives me comfort. I was slowly pulling myself out of that hole I crawled into the night before.
So when he contacted me I was actually in a decent mood. And it shocked the hell out of me. He. Contacted. Me. We decided on a movie for that evening as we both had busy weeks looming over our shoulders.
After the movie, laying wrapped in each others arms he started talking. He brought up what happened to his Dad again. He briefly talked about a relationship that failed shortly after he started in this line of work. He was opening up about one of his biggest fears. I have always known that he has held back because he is away so much. He is scared of getting in too deep and then having me walk away because of the distance and time away. I quelled his fears. I think I made it clear to him that I wouldn't be trying if I was worried about that. I am obviously willing to give this a shot. It may be a long shot but I am trying.
I also laid a fear of mine out on the table. I asked if I was wasting my time. And he gave me a hard resounding no. That made me feel a little more secure. I also told him that I am scared of getting hurt again. I told him that I trust him and that is not something that comes easily for me. Because I do honestly trust him or at the very least I am trying to trust him.
I stood by my decision. He was the one to arrange a get together. We have taken a small step forward. A small shaky step. I am still feeling unstable and hesitant. For all I know it was a one off occurrence. I just need to regain my footing, maintain my strength and see what happens.
j.
Labels:
fears,
G
A few months ago G's dad got a job doing the same thing he does. Which means that his dad is also out of town for 3 weeks at a time. Recently, his dad learned that he will be moved to another job site. At this site he will be away 6 weeks at a time.
G sent me a text this morning that said his dad just had his first relationship ruined by this line of work. She can't handle the thought of him being away six weeks at a time. They have been together for 2 or 3 years.
I wanted to respond with a snarky warning that he could be in the same boat if he isn't careful. But then I stopped. We don't have a defined relationship. We are just J and G. Two individuals that correspond regularly, share the occasional meal or movie, have sex, and go our separate ways. We are still figuring out what we are.
G comes home tomorrow. I can already feel my resolve weakening. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to prop myself up so I don't cave.
Labels:
G
Yesterday, I spent the day rushing from meeting to meeting, putting out fires here and there, frantically writing reports, being poked and prodded by the doctor, and generally being stressed. So when I walked through my door last night all I wanted to do was curl up under my duvet and hide from the world. But then I remembered that I had agreed to meet a friend and former classmate for sushi so he could quiz me about my time in Japan. He was recently accepted to the program that I participated in. Not one to let my friends down, I took a deep breath, turned in place, and headed right back out the door.
We met at my favorite Japanese restaurant. Dinner was amazing, as it always is at that venue. The conversation was slow to start. I was tired and couldn't seem to focus. But slowly, he drew me out of my stress induced fog with questions about a country and time very dear to me. As I laid my memories of Nihon* out on the table and sifted through them pulling out the helpful, funny, and poignant I felt I strange sense of pride and joy sweep was over me. I was animated talkative, and relaxed. A state that is rare for me these days.
I am excited for him. Excited that he is embarking on an adventure that I experienced years ago. And I am thankful. Thankful I was able to share my little bits of advice. And thankful that for a couple hours this week I was able to forget all of the worries and stresses of life, relax, smile, and just be.
j.
*Japan
Labels:
friends,
japan,
life
I have anxiously been waiting for the arrival of this book. Not only was I itching to read it, but I was also anxious to see the contributers list. I got my answer this week. I managed to make the cut. # 82 - The Tour. J. That's me.
So whip out those credit cards and order a copy or four. I swear it is going to be a fantastic read...not to mention it is in support of a very worthy cause. Click and buy!
j.
Labels:
blog,
writing
I made a decision. I am backing off. If he wants to see me he will have to ask me out on a proper date. No more midnight calls, no more last minute rendezvous. I will not chase him. I will not be the one who makes arrangements for us to spend time together. Effort, he will have to make an effort. I will still talk to him. I am not going to be cold or unresponsive. I am just not going to try as hard. Its not much of a change but its a start.
j.
Labels:
G
