G: I am gonna crash.
J: Ok babe, have a good sleep.
G: Babe? I am a talking pig now?
J: Sigh.
G: :-P
G: I kid because I love.
j.
Labels:
conversations,
G,
nonsense
I want to take this feeling I have right at this exact moment bottle it and hide it away for future low moments. There is a certain calm that has settled over me this morning even though I know that I am in for a bumpy ride in the next couple weeks. Why? A few reasons:
I have finished all my reading for next weeks classes. All I have left is an assignment that I will finish this afternoon. I am proud of being so disciplined with myself last night.
I am going to Toronto for work in a week. Despite knowing it will be busy and stressful, I also know that I have the Sunday afternoon to enjoy the scenery. It also means almost a full week out of the office. I think the change of scenery will be good. Oh and the 3 other people I will be traveling with happen to be some of my favorite people in the office.
I get to take
Sask Mom's family pictures tomorrow afternoon. She has such a beautiful family and I was honoured that she asked me. It should be a lot of fun.
G surprised me with tickets to tonight's football game. I was impressed because tickets to these games are a hot commodity this year. That and I also know that he originally was supposed to go with his mom, her boyfriend and his kids. This will be the first game that we will attend together and considering that we are both huge fans of our local team we should have a riot.
Today is a happy day.
j.
Labels:
friends,
G,
happy,
school,
work
My stomach was churning. My hands were shaky. I was barely holding back the tears. I wanted turn on my heel and run as far as I could from that building. But still I climbed the stairs, walked down the narrow pink hallway to her office, and knocked on the door. There was no answer. So I waited in that narrow pink hallway still fighting the urge to flee the scene.
Ms. O arrived shortly after me. She apologized profusely for keeping me waiting. I said I hadn't been there long even though I was thinking it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. She ushered me into her office and promptly set me to work on completing an intake form. After, I completed the form Ms. O showed me into the next room, provided me with a cup of tea, and arranged herself on the sofa opposite mine.
She examined the form I filled in and asked me a few questions of clarification. Then we launched into the issues. Mainly work. She told me that my assessment of what is happening in my workplace appears to be accurate. Based on my descriptions she sees dysfunction at the management levels. And she was quick to point out that there is very little that I can do about those issues as I am not in a place of power to make the necessary changes. So she is going to teach me how to set some boundaries and manage the situation.
She was also quick to point out that I have overloaded myself. Working fill time and taking two graduate classes is a big load to manage. She said that I need to take care of myself. I need to take time for myself. She even suggested taking some time off work to recharge and deal with my courses.
Ms. O never told me anything that I didn't already know. But the reason I sought her assistance was because I know what is happening to me. I know that I am overloaded and that I work in a toxic environment. But I needed validation. I needed to hear that it is fixable. And above all, I needed to hear that she will give me the tools to navigate to calmer waters.
j.
Labels:
health,
Ms.O,
work
G: I haven’t asked in awhile, but how is the blog? Or are you still doing it since I saw it?
J: The blog is good I guess. I am still doing it, not posting as often though. Seems like when I have the time to write I am so tired that I don't feel like it. So I guess you haven't visited it since then...
G: I thought it was best I shouldn’t. It is your place to vent even if it is about me. I shouldn’t intrude. It should be G free. You had it long before me and were free to write what you wish so it should still be that way.
J: Thank you. I do appreciate that. But if you do want to visit you are welcome to…
G: Nope, if I make you mad and you want to call me names more than G, I don’t need to see that. Besides any problems with us I would think we could talk about without me having to read a blog.
J: You are right, I would talk to you about any issues I had rather than letting you read about it on a blog. If I really want you to read something that I have written then I will just send it to you. And for the record it’s not all bad stuff that I write about. I much prefer writing about the good and try to do that as often as possible.
G: I know, but I'm just stating that’s why I’m staying away I don’t want you to change your blogging habits because of me. I want you to be honest in it and not worry about me.
J: I know...and I have tried not to change my style or censor since giving you the site.
G: Good. Just making sure.
j.
Labels:
blog,
G
I didn't mean to raise my voice. I didn't mean to cry. But it was the last straw. I was, I am, fed up with the bullshit. I have been about three steps away from the entrance to the realm of 'I give up' for that last several weeks. As the weeks progress I am pushed further and further to the edge. I constantly fight the urge to stand up from my chair, stomp my feet, scream I quit, and storm out.
My job is incredibly frustrating. I love the field I work in. It is challenging and rewarding. However, the office politics and hoops that we are made to jump through by management drive me insane. Its not the work but the work environment that frustrates me. So last week when a co-worker (and also a good friend) came to me with yet another issue and decision that is being back-tracked on I snapped. I was close to yelling. And because I was so angry, frustrated and at my wit's end I started to cry. Yes, I cried at work. I was so damn angry and all I could do was burst into tears. I felt like an idiot. I am usually one the collected one. The
consummate professional. But there I sat a blubbering mess.
Work is my number one stress at the moment. A few weeks back, if asked, I would have told you it was my relationship with G that was doing my head in but it isn't. Last week I realized that it is work. Work is turning me into a snarling, often teary eyed, crazy thought manufacturing mess. I am letting work spill over into the other areas of my life. It is effecting my eating habits, my sleeping patterns, and my relationships. I cannot continue like this. I need to make adjustments.
j.
Labels:
work
I was lurking on crackbook the other night when I should have been sleeping. In my list of friends, I saw a profile that shouldn't be there. But instead of just removing it I clicked on it and was transported to a page that I, for the sake of my sanity, had no business being on. Every tidbit of information, every photo, everything about it made me nauseous. But still I kept click, click, clicking away.
He is married now. They got married at the beginning of August. I saw a limited number of pictures. He looked all to happy. I don't want him to be happy. I want him to be miserable. I want him to feel the hurt that plagued me for over a year. I want him to know what it is like to have scars that are barely healed. He doesn't deserve this happiness.
And then I realized that I needed to stop torturing myself. I need to let go. I need to put him in the past. Forget that he exists. I have more important and more deserving people to concentrate on. So I removed him from my friend list. Removed him from my life.
j.
Labels:
j
