more than intermittent

Life is similar to following a path, travelling a road, or taking a journey. The experience has varied terrain. There are smooth patches that you glide over. There are bumpy stretches that are difficult to navigate. There are hills and valleys. Sometimes you get stuck in a rut or sucked into a pot hole. There are twists, turns, forks in the road and dead ends. Sometimes you move forward and others you take a few steps back or even sideways.

I pride myself on trying to move forward in all areas of my life. I admit that I have taken steps back or repeated legs of the trip but I am constantly trying to work my way forward. But then a few nights ago I was standing in the shower letting the water run down over my body and the steam swirl at my feet when it hit me. I ran straight into a brick wall. I have no idea where I am going. No idea of what I am doing with my life. No idea whether or not I like my job. No idea what I am going to do with my master's degree. No idea what the future holds for G and I. I feel like I am on the path to nowhere.

I am 31 years old and often feel like I am stuck in this make believe game of adult. There are days that I feel about as mature and pulled together as a 15 year old. I look around me and see friends buying houses, getting married, having babies, and settling into a career. And there I am living in my brother's house, still bumbling my way through my career, and in a relationship but nowhere near the marriage and babies stage.

I just feel a bit insignificant and lost. Its like I have found myself standing in the middle of a field with miles of empty space around me. Not sure where I am going or how I ended up there. In the middle of nowhere. I hope my direction becomes clearer in the new year.

j.

The rules:

You leave a comment on this post, and I’ll assign you a letter. You write about ten things you love that begin with your assigned letter, and post it at your place. When people comment on your list, you give them a letter, and the chain continues on and on.

I was assigned the letter H by Hope.

Hopscotch - I remember spending hours upon hours drawing chalk lines on the sidewalk in front of the house in the summer months. I used to nab the leftover bits of chalk from the classroom to aid in my creation. However, the best hopscotch grids I created always were the ones that came from a chalk rock. I coveted those rocks that when scrapped across the sidewalk would leave a line. It wasn't often that I found one. After I created my hopscotch masterpiece I would spend hours hopping back and forth perfecting my technique and hopping one of the neighbourhood kids would be brave enough to challenge me to a game.

Hot Chocolate - And Baileys. And a blanket curled up on my couch or in front of a campfire. This is by far one of my favorite get warm drinks. Add some marshmallows and I am one happy camper.

Hugs - They only thing better than giving a hug is being scooped up in someones arms for a massive bear hug. My favorite hugs are the ones that last a little too long and I am able to bury my face in their shoulder. These days I look forward to hugs from G after he has been gone. It is that first instance of seeing each other and not being able to hold back from embracing each other.

Hockey - I practically grew up in a hockey arena. I was a rink rat. I spent most of my weekends at a rink watching my brothers play hockey. While I don't follow the NHL very closely, except during playoffs I do have a love of the game. Being at a live game gets my heart thumping. The energy and excitement of the game is unbelievable.

Holidays - As in in vacation time. I love having time off, whether it be to go gallivanting the globe or to just stay home and veg. Holidays are the pay off for working long hours. I am currently on holidays and absolutely loving it.

Hot Showers - Stepping into the shower and letting the steam swirl around my feet and up to the top of my head is incredibly satisfying. Hot showers are a major comfort. It may sound crazy but I do a vast amount of thinking in the shower. I can stand there with my face turned to the nozzle and let the water hit me and run down my forehead and off my chin for hours. I limit these long showers because I am little too green to make it a regular habit.

Handbags - Red, green, brown, black, purple, yellow, white, did I mention red? I have a slight addiction to buying handbags. I have close to 20 bags and I am still on the look out for more. When I was in the Philippines I was in handbag heaven. I came home with 6 purses. I had to exercise a huge amount of self control in order to not triple that number.

Hats - I don't wear them enough, but man do I love hats. Even though I complain about winter I do love the fact that I can wear a hat, aka toque, every day.

Happy Presents - My Dad used to give my Mom random gifts every now and then called happy presents. He occasionally gave me the odd one as well. Now every time I get a random gift I always declare it a happy present. I also love giving happy presents.

Hair - I hate to brag but I have awesome hair. It is by far my favorite feature.

j.

ummm ya

ummm ya, i am guite on
ebreiated. will talken later.

Tags: hLnPEAE, nablopomo'08
November 29, 2008 - 2:58 PM

I found the above in my list of posts. Thankfully I had just enough sense to save it as a draft. This was written on the mojito and tequila shots night when I was in the Philippines. I wrote this at what would have been 4:48 am, just before I passed out. Apparently, I not only sent G a very cryptic and random facebook message but I also thought it was a good idea to compose a blog post...if it even qualifies as that. I do NOT remember writing either. I do NOT even remember using my computer. Hell I could barely talk at that point!

The best bit is that the message to G is coherent but slightly weird but this post is completely out there. My favorite part is the tags. I managed to get NaBloPoMo in there, but what the hell is the other one? Did my head hit the keyboard?

Note to self: Hide laptop before going out drinking.

j.

I said my good nights, logged off, set my laptop off to the side, turned out the light and snuggled in under the covers. And then the tossing and turning started. In ten minutes I knew I wasn't ok, I wasn't cool even though I told him I was. So I sat up, my heart pounding in my chest, flipped open the laptop and logged on again. He was still up. So I called.

I told him that I thought I was cool with everything but obviously I wasn't. I couldn't turn my brain off. I didn't really understand why he wouldn't want to be with me on New Year's or any day for that matter. So I asked him to explain. And the first words out of his mouth were "It's not because of you." He explained that he is bitchy, grumpy, short, and not nice to be around on that day. He reiterated that it was the day he found out about his parents split and it was also the day that he walked in on his ex doing unmentionable things to another man. I asked what he had done in years past because I was under the impression that he went out. He said that he stayed home or he went out and got so wasted that he couldn't think or walk or talk. And again he said "It's not you. This has nothing to do with you." Hearing his voice say those words calmed me a little. This isn't about not wanting to be with me. This is about old wounds splitting open on one day of the year. In a sense he is protecting me, protecting us, from the bear that he knows he becomes on that day.

I explained to him why I was so upset about this. I told him that wanting to spend New Year's with him was because I didn't want to be alone that day and I didn't want to think of him having a bad day/evening. I was being selfish and selfless all in one. I also told him that another reason that I was reacting in this manner was because I was scared that he was going to pull away from me again...just like he did last year. He explained that had a lot to do with his accident. The accident that if you saw the after pictures of the vehicle you would be amazed that he walked away without a scratch. Then in the next breath he started throwing dates at me. He understands the doubt this episode left me with and he is trying to ease my fears by committing to plenty of quality time with me.

At the end of the call he asked one more time, "Are we cool?" and this time I could confidently answer with a yes.

j.

I thought this post was going to be a positive report on that conversation that I have been meaning to have with G about the holidays. But it isn't. I get deep pains inside when I think about the aftermath of our conversation last night. Yes, the aftermath. I thought the initial conversation went well but today's conversation via text proves that it did not.

I finally asked. I asked what his plans for the holidays were. He told me all about the family things he had going on. I was understanding, knowing that family is important as I have my own things going on. I was not expecting to see him over Christmas but then expressed that I hoped to spend New Year's with him. He told me how he hates that day, that too many bad things have happened on that day (his parents split up, he caught his girlfriend cheating on him, etc). He said to expect a bitter man. I was ok with that...I understand. I understand that New Year's is overrated. But despite all that I was still under the impression that we would spend it together. I wasn't expecting anything big, just us, together on a couch snuggled up under a blanket with a movie.

But then today he again expressed how he hates that day and being around people. So I told him that we didn't need to go out. We could just stay in, just the two of us. He then said can't we do it another day...any other day. I was hurt. Hurt that he was not even considering that my company would lift his spirits. So I told him that it hurt and that I wasn't asking for a big fancy New Year celebration. We didn't even have to acknowledge the day. I just wanted to be with him. And he told me he just can't and it could be any other day and that he thought I would understand. I do understand. I get it. I told him I do understand and I am not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. I just wanted him to know how I feel so I told him.

I am hurt and that hurt is slowly turning to anger. He hoped I would understand? That is the most manipulative statement the guy has ever made to me. Of course I understand, but does he understand how this effects me? Is he really honestly going to stay home that night? All alone? Does he realize the doubts that this is putting in my mind?

It feels like I give and give and all I get in return are huge roadblocks and warning signs. There comes a point in every person's life where we have to let go of the past and let ourselves fall. We have to be willing to put aside our issues even just for a moment, no matter how difficult that is, and give of ourselves openly and freely. I am trying to do that. I have done that. But him...I don't see him doing that.

I did some thinking today. I thought about giving him an ultimatum. But then realized that that course of action would solve nothing. It would only cause resentment. I am mature enough to realize that I have made my point. I have expressed my feelings. He has not given me anything to work with on this one. So for now I am taking note and moving on. I cannot for my own sanity push this issue.

Bah, I hate the holidays...

j.

I just realized that NaBloPoMo is over. No more having to post everyday. Unfortunately I didn't quite make it through the month. I missed 2 days I believe. Not a bad run considering that for the last week I have been in the Philippines with work. I have to say posting once a day is harder than it appears. We will now return to return to our regularly scheduled programming...

j.