more than intermittent

I breathed a sigh of relief today when I saw that he was alert and had some colour in his face. Last night when I saw him he was lethargic and unresponsive. The night before was even worse. He has had a slow recovery. They had to put a tube into his stomach to drain the fluid because it was making him nauseous and vomit hourly. He told me that his doctor said that his digestive system and his bowels have not resumed functioning normally. The tube was removed while I visited him this afternoon and he was more talkative. Needless to say I have been worried out of my mind. But today, today has been better.

Last night I was a mess. A blubbering crying mess. Reflecting back on the evening and my thought process I can now admit that it wasn't all about my brother's condition. A lot of it had to do with how incredibly alone I feel right now. My parents have elected to go on the annual fishing trip rather than come here. I have spoken to my parents daily since the bro's surgery. And every day Mom asks if she should come. This morning when she asked I raised my voice and told her that I will not tell her what to do. She needs to make that decision, not me. And frankly, considering that she was calling me from the road to the lake tells me that she made the decision. She told me not to yell at her and again I told her that I am not going to make her decision. Then she got quieter and told me she would talk to Dad and call me back.

Shortly after that call I went to the hospital. As I said, the bro was doing much better. About five minutes after I arrived the nurse came in to tell the bro that his mother called to see how he was and ask that he call her when he gets a chance. So while I was there he called her. Mom asked the bro if she should come and the bro said that she should have made that decision 2 weeks ago. He also told her that if she was worried about more than watching him recover then she should have been here already. The talked a bit more and in the end he finally said go fishing. And as he ended the call I could see the tears start to form in his eyes. And behind those tears I could see disappointment.

I would be disappointed if I was him. Hell I am disappointed. My own parents couldn't even come to support my brother through a major surgery. A surgery where he had a 1 in 100 chance of developing a serious case of sepsis and dieing. Additionally, I am also hurt that they couldn't be here to help support me. When did my parents become so selfish? I guess I am shocked that they choose a vacation over their eldest son.

j.