more than intermittent

4.5 days and I will be in Disney World.

If that doesn't help with the depression I am not sure what will....

j.

It is official. I. Am. Depressed.

3 sessions in and we have totally shifted gears. We had talked about depression in previous sessions but in this last session we discussed it in more depth. And we came to the conclusion that my biggest hurdle right now is pulling myself out of deep dark cave that I have retreated into.

I have good days and bad days. Yesterday, yesterday was a bad day. I had to force myself to stop crying in order to go to my massage appointment. I know what caused the episode. But for fear of spiraling downward into a pile of tears I am not going to detail it here. Not just silent tears either. It was the loud sobbing, body shaking, trouble breathing type crying.

So...I am continuing with my daily dose of vitamins with the addition of St. John's Wart. I have stopped working through the first book she recommended in favour of a new recommendation. This book is more suited to changing thought patterns...it is all about cognitive behaviour therapy. And I continue my journaling.

I hope I can shake this sooner rather than later...

j.

I ducked out of work early and made my way to my car. The walk felt longer than usual. My stomach had been in knots all day. Those knots started to churn and produce an overwhelming feeling of nausea. Then I started to feel the tears pool in my eyes. I breathed deep, bit my lip, put my head down, and walked faster.

The feelings of apprehension continued all the way to my destination. I rang the bell and the wait for her to answer the door lasted forever. If I hadn't been frozen in place I would have turned on my heel and ran as fast and as far as I could. And when she finally answered the door I relaxed...no, it was more the feeling that there was no turning back.

I spent just over an hour with her. She let me talk. I talked about the events of this year. The family health issues, relationships, and work. She asked pointed questions. She let me cry when that is what I needed to do. And then she gave me some homework. Recommendations for vitamins, a book to work through that includes daily journal entries and taking myself on dates, and paying attention to diet and exercise. She didn't focus on my 'problems.' She focused on me. She wants to get me back to the real me. The fun, happy, confident girl that she knows is hiding somewhere inside behind a big wall of sadness and anxiety.

j.